Confusion, more dentists and colorful life

Sorry guys, I've kinda disappeared into thin air... there has been so much going on that I really didn't know what I want to write, what I can write without hurting anybody or breaking any promises. Then my internet stopped working for some unknown reason and I haven't had a quiet place to type all of this out. It has been a roller coaster really, at this point I want to explain everything with my neediness during Christmas but that's not quite enough because these things require two people so that they can happen. And then the next question is am I being used and is it wrong if I'm so damn happy about it? The question after that; how long can it last and I pray that we can still be together after even the situation would be different...
"I was poking my head on the wall in sauna after my sister left... a long while. When I came out they were wondering what happened to me, that I was supposed to hate sauna." Suna told me two nights after Christmas eve. I wanted to say I'm sorry but at the same time I wanted to remind that I wasn't the one who crossed the last line first but there's no need to blame her - it was me who let her do so, I had all the power to stop it but I didn't. And now we're fooling around, being unaware of the future or what do we want. For me it's that I'm scared that I should settle somewhere with someone and stay, let go of my freedom and think what I do because of someone... take responsibility for me because someone else needs me. But I need her and I do like her way too much and I know I'm going to be in her life no matter what if she lets me, she says she wants me there.

"That's so horrible to watch..." she sniffs, she's the first one to see it. It was during the days before Christmas when my anxiety peaked and I was having a battle with chicken soup. She had just had the funeral
and picked me up from the big city where she dropped her sister. She was holding my hand the whole way and I tried to explain to her how it feels to up and down and not really be able to breathe properly.
   Red lights, waiting. "But you had two hamburgers last night..." She said to me.
   "Yea, stupid mistake after coming home from the bar and I've been suffering because of it the whole day..."
   "Suffering, what do you mean?"
   Silence, I swallow and with tiny teeny voice I say "I haven't eaten anything since this morning" The look on her face is unspeakable. Like this is not real, please say you're joking cruel with me... I wish I could have said that but it was more real than anything else to me. I was zoned out to somewhere that was not here. "Why?" she asked. "I just can't..." light turned green and I was silent little while. "You know... the stupidest thing is that I've had two bananas with me the whole day but I haven't been able to touch them at all."
   "Now you're eating something before we go to bed!"
   "I will... I bought a chicken soup"
She drives in front of the supermarket to get the milk. Car stops I turn to look at her "do I have to come?" desperate look on her side, she don't have the answer. She's confused by the question because she really don't know what's it like. "No sweetie, if you really don't want to."
   "I don't..." I shake my head, "I don't think I can". She goes and when she disappears from those sliding doors in to the house of horrors I start to cry. How pathetic is this? I'm in a car, in a parking slot because I can't go in and all I want to do is go running and burn as many calories as I can. And at the same time I panic because that's not me, that's someone I used to be and I'm not that person anymore. It shouldn't go like that, normal people do not cry in a car in front of a grocery store or call it a shop of horrors.
   She comes back and sees the tears on my cheeks, there you go. I think... you wanted to see me crying because I never do.
 

 "What is it?" She asks with a worry in her voice when I swipe the drops away.
   "This is so pathetic... I can't even go to a grocery store and I'm crying here in the car."
   "You're crying alone because I wasn't here to see it, right... and you're not pathetic" she wraps her arms around me before she starts the car. She's going to take care of me.
   That's how I ended up on her sofa, she asked if I wanted to be there for a while, she would hold me if I needed that before eating that chicken soup I had put on the table. She had a break down there, crying out of pain she had brought with her from the funeral. Wondering the Finnish stone faces who do not cry no matter what. I swiped her tears away when they were dropping down and moment later I swirled the spoon in the soup, trying to force it down.
   "Ok, eat it...promise?" she said planning to go vacuum the bedroom.
   "I try..." I say, tears on my eyes, playing with it and putting a drop in my mouth. The swallowing takes forever and I bet she sees that I'm chewing. Ready made soup where's no really anything to chew.
   "Hey, don't cry on it..."
   No answer, instead I curl like a ball. Still playing with the spoon and zipping like by accident. Reality check for her, it was written on her face - she was shocked to see that it really was that hard - like withnessing something you've heard about and thought you understood it but suddenly it slaps you on the face and you realize you don't know nothing about it. She says it's horrible to watch and yet we all know that could be way worse. She sits next to me asking if she should go away, I don't know. Yea, she should because I don't want her to see this but I want her there because I want to believe I need her, I need her arms around me even it kills me to see how painful it is for her to watch that war. But I wanted to eat it, I had decided to eat it - it wasn't too bad war. But now she knows. "It's so hard to understand what's happening here because I don't have a clue how it is to experience that..." 

We were both in need of some serious attention, maybe that's the reason for what followed. She was just sad and I had Christmas complication. In my mind I buried the possibility of getting this further - the only thing is that I never gave her that letter and the last one I wrote for her was up in the skies because I was so happy to be loved like that, accepted just the way I was and I'm afraid I will loose that some day if she walks down the aisle with someone else. But I'm also her friend, the only one who has ever got her talking and the only one who sees in the light of knowing her true colors... it's bad that I'm now even more the cause of confusion, unable to keep my emotions out of it because of the resent events and I can't know for sure how to help her to figure it out without pushing her with my emotions and using them as a motive (specially when they too shift around with days, I don't know what I want either).

Christmas eve I was at my mom's... we were all drinking and that's the only way I can bear it there. For once I got present which were all useful - finally my note has been taken. I don't want rubbish that I will throw to trash feeling bad. But I will do so if I don't need it. I was happily drunk but kept my mouth shut even though I wanted to scream many things, specially to my dad but I'm glad my step dad did it for me for most part. I also got remembered that I shouldn't talk anything to my disordered cousin because after that it's not a secret anymore and that she uses it shamelessly to hide her own issues. But I escaped. My front cover is way more thicker and better supported than hers. I've done good job with it even though it cracks some time for sure.

Second Christmas day we all visited my favorite cousin. I left behind and went to Suna's from there and I was so happy to get some alone time with her too. It's was like a little show, I played with her daughter and waited others to leave, once they did the last ice melted and everything was out in the open. I told her what had happened and that I don't know what will happen.

Then happy new year, Suna came with me. She met Aya and almost everyone else too. I promised her that
she would have fun and she did - even though she looked like little lost from time to time. At one point me and Aya went to the balcony (which is on the hallway, so we need to go out of the house) and we sat there talking behind the door listening the laughter inside. It was such a relief to listen that, our guests were having fun and it wasn't just a show for us. Even though most of the people hadn't met ever before, it was a house full of lost and lonely people who somehow had found their place at our home. There wasn't even common language between Dou and most of the guests - sure his friend A can little English but mostly they were speaking their own language. I'm also amazed how easy it went with Suna, Aya and Dou in daily bases. Aya said that she feels like she could tell Suna everything, that she almost wants to make her sit down and say "listen to me". And Dou is also Suna-fan now because she makes amazing cakes and knows how to deal cards like a professional.
   For me these nights, specially the new year eve was about letting Suna in my life which sometimes is quite colorful. When we came in here at first Aya opened the door while on the phone speaking Spanish and hour later they were wrestling with Dou, who had arrived little later, on the floor. Then the happiness turned into tears for a second and then it was all red hearts again. And people are coming and going, you think you come to a peace and quiet home from the town at 9 pm and you open the door and find out that two Africans are cooking at your house, you figure it's no bed time so soon as you thought. Suna experienced all of that and she survived better than I expected. I bet that it wasn't crossing in her mind too soon that she would get hugged by a black man when she left yesterday. But she did, or that she could get along with someone without a common language. I had good time because she was here, you know the feeling when you have someone special to share everything with, and I so hope that she tasted life in here. She was playing to walk away when we got an idea to go on top of this one tall building to look at fireworks. We didn't know anyone who lived there so me and Sheng started to make up a story to stick with that we were looking for these two guys Jack and Ben, this was our second time in this city and they had invited us there but not answering their phone. First there was some stranger going in from the door and we just went after her playing like we have a mission or destination. On the elevator we shooted up to 12th floor and a guy was like "oh, there's a party on 12th? OMG, I'll come to check it out!" and we were like shit. Well, we're just going to the roof... "oh, really? Wait I'll come to let you even though I think that the electricity lock is broken". Cool. Not getting into trouble at all - and there was times when I red from Suna's face that shit, this can be bad. Nice little girl but the price to pay for being too nice is something way too terrible and I don't want her to pay that. Now she has something to tell people, a story she claims she don't have. Fulfillment in her life, an experience to share and I wish she does share it, get feedback from the people around her and starts to get a new base for evaluating her life.

What else. I've been eating 5 days painkillers because of my teeth, this time the other side. I have a check up later today to see what's going on. I just think they're going to look at it, say there's nothing wrong with it and blame my wisdom tooth about it. Will see. And now it's time to get a grip... I didn't munch on Christmas but after, these last days have been horrid sugar filled cream clouds. Ugh.

Happy New year and fresh start to all of us. Love you ladies and I promise to be more active this year now than I was - specially towards the end of last year.