Week 1 day 6; New worry on the horizon

On 11th I had 1447 calories (C51%, P26%, F24%) - climbing (-300)
On 12th I had 1558 calories (C53%, P23%, F25%) - body pump and zumba -1200

In other words I still need to try to eat more... it doesn't help even though 50% of those calories would be postworkout if the total is too small. Omg. That's a lot of food. But I guess one day or two like that won't hurt... no fuss is better than a fuss because those kind of things tend to turn against you. New day today and a new chance make it better and right. Goal 1700 calories to beat because I have Circuit and Combat at night which will burn around 1300 calories... so the closer the 2000 today the better. With a common sense. Honestly I'm screaming inside because  I can't remember when is the last time I've cracked 2000 calories, smiling, knowing that I do it and not feeling guilty about it - and more importantly with food; not with junk because with junk it's easy and I never bother to count those because that would just make me feel bad (but because calorie is always a calorie, I need to have the best ones I can - ratio carbs 50% fat 25% protein 25% is the ideal I guess). Honestly I'm kinda scared, I can't fool because Suna is watching me and counting is something she has no clue but she's playing with the thought to try; so for her sake, I can't fool because I'm the first one she's going to turn to and I don't want to jeopardize her possible success when she does try. Let alone Tuesday when I really cannot eat enough compared to 4 hour dancing marathon I put up for myself. That's why I need to eat well today... and the day after tomorrow when I have 3 hours of exercise and 2 on Thursday.

So with math it looks like this: Today and all days the basic operation number 1200 = how much I should eat
without exercise and where I should get after it too.
Exercise today.. Minus -1300 is -100 calories. The total calorie requirement is 2500, but if I manage to go to (1700)1800-2200 it should be fine... (ok, I know in reality it's not but let me just believe that in my little head... please?) leaving me deficit (-800)-700/-300

Tomorrow with that crazy ass marathon basic 1200 - 2000 = -800. So 2000 brings me to 0 in, but if I can
make the impossible and have 2200-2500, that would be a plus. Deficit of - 1000-800

The day after I have a total deficit of  (1800)1700/1200 and during that day I'll burn 1300 more calories, so if I eat close to 2200 again, it adds up deficit only with 100.
Thursday I'll burn again around 1200 adding total maybe with 300... leaving me (2200)2100/1600 calories to eat with less hours in the gym. So On Friday when I'll go to Suna's I'll do just stretching and maybe we will go for a walk, which I don't even bother counting anywhere really... so 1800 is an ideal (-200-300 from the total deficit). Saturday I got one hour of zumba and Oota's birthdayparty at night. It's going to be fun and games and food, so it's easy to have maybe the 2000 or 2200 (-400-200 from the deficit). Sunday goes when I come back here, so I'll plan
just another day of stretching where by eating 1800-2000 the deficit will be 600 to 800 calories less... hopefully close to that 0 the least. No worries ladies, next week is not repeat in this form.... then I need to make some time to study again so, there will be no that much exercise. The next three weeks are the balancing act for this one. This is just to get my ass moving and prove that I can after too much sitting. Right now my body is just in pain because if yesterday but it means I've done something right. No pain, no gain...

"I miss you." Suna writes.
For a few seconds I feel like I could cry. I was away in here this weekend for a change, it's weird. Feels like there was no weekend and this week seems so long... I miss her too. Terribly.
"Now you said it. I've trying to avoid saying it because then I knew I would want to cry." We were also talking about food... another scale of worry is rising up in my mind. I think it's cool that she maybe would like to try counting because she's not happy what she sees in the mirror. But she said she imagines she eats too much... let me tell ya she doesn't if we talk about food. I actually have a theory that her sweet tooth is so intriguing because she eats too little. The multivitamins really don't cut it as supplements for real food and sugar high is a one way to hide sufficiency because it makes you focus on something else instead of what you body is telling you. And it's also addicting.
   "you're not eating too much, trust me. Sweets maybe, just cut that because those fucking lying brownies are the reason you don't like what you see. They might say to you that they want to embrace you and that they want to comfort you because you have failed, but in reality they suck at comforting. What they really is that they make you hate yourself even more and feel guilty. That's the error you got, not the food you're eating or the amount you're exercising because you're doing enough on that side."
   I mean her body is normal, so if it doesn't get enough nutrients it figures out a way to get enough calories to work. I assume  she's eating around 1500 calories from food. And she trains 6 times a week at least one hour, so that's not enough. So the rest of it has to come somewhere... and if she feels like she's eating too much food, the sweets are where she easily gives and suddenly her body gets an overload of what it needs in terms of sugar, it gives the body a calorie high and for her mind it give guilt because she's habit eating again. So I really do hope that she would some day start counting... or to do a check of one week the least. I'm doing this for 12 weeks, kinda hoping that she would jump on the boat too so that I could properly check if I'm right.

And just to add. I have no idea how much I weigh, I don't have a scale... and I'm not actually really looking for one either. Suna has so, I think I'll use that on the weekend to see what has happened. I know how much I weighed during the summer and before Christmas, so that's a good place to start.