Bei, fuck you.
She left her keys at her mom's and ruined my plans for a long bicycle ride. Yesterday I was so annoyed by it still and because I hadn't been moving in two days it felt so hard to drag my ass out. And it wasn't just the day of not moving... I did everything with my power to annoy her because the way she turns everything to negative about herself is really annoying. For example if I touch her hair she says something like "it's so dirty and full of scurf!" or if I say I happily that I'm not eating candy "crazy, there's no way I could manage that!" before I cared enough to try to inspire her but now I just don't anymore. She's turning everything I say upside down on herself to prove to everyone how horrible she is... and the worst of all. She doesn't get the point when we try to say to her that don't, please don't.
She has been tutor for the exchange students a while now and she goes on and on how lovely they are, how they hug her and how they love her so much. What about me? I don't? I mean I don't mind her talking about them really, it's nice that she has found good friends but sometimes when she says things for the tenth time I want to slap her and scream to her to get over it already.
... this is one of those when I hide in the toilet crying that I'm fucking fat. There's a zillion drafts saved but not one published because I don't really know what to say. I'm in a bad place right now, returning shock phase two or something. And having Bei around, no space to deal with the first stages really didn't help it at all. It's like there's my whole life going on my head and I feel it but I can't describe it. Like I take all the effects of it but I can't really name the things that make me feel like this. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. Like a gloomy little forest filled with fog... that's my head today, yesterday and last week. (I am eating though, too much... too, too, too, too much... coping - what's that? FuCk this shit...)
She left her keys at her mom's and ruined my plans for a long bicycle ride. Yesterday I was so annoyed by it still and because I hadn't been moving in two days it felt so hard to drag my ass out. And it wasn't just the day of not moving... I did everything with my power to annoy her because the way she turns everything to negative about herself is really annoying. For example if I touch her hair she says something like "it's so dirty and full of scurf!" or if I say I happily that I'm not eating candy "crazy, there's no way I could manage that!" before I cared enough to try to inspire her but now I just don't anymore. She's turning everything I say upside down on herself to prove to everyone how horrible she is... and the worst of all. She doesn't get the point when we try to say to her that don't, please don't.
She has been tutor for the exchange students a while now and she goes on and on how lovely they are, how they hug her and how they love her so much. What about me? I don't? I mean I don't mind her talking about them really, it's nice that she has found good friends but sometimes when she says things for the tenth time I want to slap her and scream to her to get over it already.
... this is one of those when I hide in the toilet crying that I'm fucking fat. There's a zillion drafts saved but not one published because I don't really know what to say. I'm in a bad place right now, returning shock phase two or something. And having Bei around, no space to deal with the first stages really didn't help it at all. It's like there's my whole life going on my head and I feel it but I can't describe it. Like I take all the effects of it but I can't really name the things that make me feel like this. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. Like a gloomy little forest filled with fog... that's my head today, yesterday and last week. (I am eating though, too much... too, too, too, too much... coping - what's that? FuCk this shit...)
2 kommenttia:
I do that sometimes, I won't lie. I think it's because I find myself entirely too dull, too ugly, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough person that would radiate that light out. When people notice, I don't believe them. Strange how that works.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down my dear. I think it's just one of the ebbing times instead of the flowing one. Everything feels too big or too much or I have needs and I hate them. So, you're getting a huge hug from me because I can only sit next to you in the rain.
this woman sucks fsdkfds[pfks
and yeah I do it too but I also attempt to accept a compliment. it's my weight that makes me want to shoot myself however ok
that does sound so anger inducing to be honest s[dfskf
:(
unfortunately, I was just done with crying about how fucking fat I am five seconds ago. it's horrible. it really is. and im sorry that you had to cry. I hope you feel better soon. you're an angel and I hope that cloud just disappears
I honestly don't know what to say other than to hope it just passes over your head without pelting anymore rain
I love you
<3
-Sam Lupin
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