Meet Sparkle

So the glimmering chaos has passed as depressing as it was. Finally I feel like myself again without fighting about the essence of things. Even better, I have a summer job ready as a church guide, so it's even my own field and I can get the practical points I desperately needed. But I just wish that I could stay here and I wouldn't need to return to Finland, find an apartment from a new city and change my life all over again. I would love to stay in Asia... my heart is here at the moment. And that\s all thanks to Sparkle, the instructor keeping the zumba circuit. She pulled me with her and out of it, and Tuesday might have been the best night in here so far.

 Tuesday morning we left around one to do a tourist tour. After that we got tables and chairs from temple to her house for a surprise party they were arranging. Then these other two who had been with us left to Patong, they were supposed to be back but they got flat tire and couldn't get it fixed before next morning. So it was just Sparkle and me... we went to a salsa-party. My first salsa class ever and I was thrown in the middle of intermediate class, I wasn't bad... actually quite good but anyway it was something new. I've never been really dancing with a partner before and I just suck in that because I can't relax and I want to be the one who's always going first and deciding. That's follow the leader, be a weak woman has never been my thing really... but I still enjoyed it. First time in ages when I've been dancing with men without feeling discomfort and agony. So we satyed dancing at the pub... and from there we went to next bar and from there I ended up at Sparkle's house. Her husband was fast asleep and we stayed up until 4 am, just talking and that was the trick here. That's one of the most useful conversations I've had in a while.
   It's always nice to talk with people who actually can understand you and don't look like too shocked and just shut up... but there's also something else that I figured out just there. They can look shocked but still understand - also if they have similar story they react too strongly on their own emotion and are most likely to do the same conclusions as you. So here, she understood me but she didn't adapt those same emotions so she was actually able to help me forward and those things were what I needed to hear.
   That me and mom are missing so much because we keep up this crazy maniac circle beneath. And that all we need is a beginning. She also already a second person who tells me how great the self-help groups have been. I start to believe even more that it's an answer that I can use because it aims for giving tools how to handle things. Much like therapy but without waiting in line and making appointments with myself. Sparkle said that the one weekend she was with that group changed her life for good and that she's so happy now because of it. Cat said the same thing for me before, and both of these ladies are the kind of people I respect dearly because they have that magical calming aura and they have a huge heart.
   She also pointed out that what I do have now is a lot of questions. This one I knew so the following is again what matters. How to accept the answers and move past that, develop a new way to cope and break that habit of behaving like my mom. I guess that I could say I'm done with hurting myself, I just can't do this anymore and I hope that my mom would take a note of that too. She needs to change her life so that she can be happy again and stop hurting herself and people around her. Like M said she might have no idea how unhappy she is, but really... she has given up.
   Sparkle is really a sparkle, that's why I named her like that in here. Saying that after she turned 40 she started thinking that maybe she should grow up... but then thought that what the hell. I love that attitude, it's an insight that keeps you really young. And it shows because my mom is as old as she is but my mom could be ten or fifteen years older than Sparkle. Not just by the look but also by the attitude and just with everything! And for the most important part, she has helped me a lot in terms of my confidence. So have K and G also whose zumba I've been into and now I really start to believe I can do this again.

Good thing is also that now that I have work, I just changed my flights ten days earlier and I'll go straight to training from the airport. So no break there, but that might be only a good thing.