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| My red room that doesn't look like me at all... dunno if I'll get used to it ever. Luckily it's only for 2 months that I stay here. |
YESTERDAY: I've been so down for the last two days. I guess I was demanding too much from myself and now it's hard to pick my mind up from the ground to start anything. Partly it's because I'm starting to be dead tired to my mornings now... I still have to push 4-5 weeks with one free day a week. Yes, I checked from the working time law, it's legal. Because the museum is open only 6 hours a day so late, it's legal. There is continuous rest for 48 hours with one free day. But now there's the first free day next Monday when I have nothing planned and I intend to keep it that way.
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| Most curious visitor last week |
TODAY: what did I do to get a new boost? I biked to work. I realized that it was the paralyzed tiredness which came along working days where I sit staring the clock while it's raining outside and no one is coming in. Too much time to think about weird things and in addition I feel like bad museum guide when I do nothing but sit around on my ass when people come. Sure I smile and a lot of people are used to watching things by themselves in the museum and are scared when someone starts to talk to them and tell about things. So my job is to read the situation and when I feel like I'm unable to do that and I just simply get surprised that there's someone there and forgot to do anything else but smile.
My solution was to grab my bike and go the 7 K to work with it. Helped a lot, let me tell ya, also last night after work I walked to Stockman (one "high class" market chain) and bought a gym membership. The other thing coming along with that tiredness was inability to lift my ass and go for a walk which made me feel down, like I was nothing - because the only reason I didn't go was "I'm too tired, don't feel like going". That's not a reason if you ask me. I figured I need right now the possibility to go to the gym and group exercises in case I have no power left to kick myself on the butt. It's also cool to have something to wait at work which I don't seem to have much around here. I've just moved.
My summer in H city has officially begun I live in with someone who I don't really know, she seems nice ans studies Japanese at uni. I live in a room which belongs to Yuki's boyfriend's friend and where I don't really feel like home. This whole place is filled with boxes and all weird piles in almost every corner and under all the possible things you can put something under. This place is not messy, that's not what I mean. Here's just a lot of stuff and I get along with stuff, but not when there's too much of it. This person is clearly dealing with something she copes with material things. It looks like she has to prove her abilities to manage or something.
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| See what I mean with piles filling corners? |
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| Little celebration after buying gym card ^^ - just had to and do you see how well Donut and gym card fit into same pic? :D |
I was also tracking food and calories yesterday first time in ages. Figured that if I bike to work I'll burn 800 calories a day with just biking and walking. Walking makes it 500, bike rides adds it up with 300-400 depending on the route I choose. Add up 1- 2 hours at gym... 500-1000 calories more burned. OMG, I need to eat like a horse! My goal right now is 1800 because of that amount of natural burn during the day. Yesterday I ate 1570, burning 894... That leaves me with 700ish calories. Can't have that in many days in a row because I don't want to screw up my metabolism.
7 kommenttia:
aw, flower. no :( i'm sad to hear you've been feeling down. you're too lovely for such a thing. x
oh yes keep it that way. work sounds horrendous. i just hope that these weeks fly by like nothing. perhaps, that is one good thing about work. it is taxing but the day slips away. it is the weeks afterwards that seem treacherous.
your room definitely doesn't look like you!
you look so hot. i absolutely love your body.
i'm too tired i don't feel like going feels like an excuse sometimes. but it just depends on how often you use it. tomorrow, i am planning to go but i genuinely do feel too sore to go. it is so dependable. i won't use it all the time but a good amount of the time, i do. comprises, my dear. sometimes, you need to comprise with yourself. you said training had to be fun. i can't imagine anything being fun when you're too tired to do anything.
sometimes, there is just nothing to do and that's understandable, my dear. reading the situation is best. and a smile from anyone makes my day if it helps. i like seeing people smiling. i like seeing an employee smiling. and i know a lot of people don't like talking unless they genuinely need to. work with what you have. accept what you can and cannot do. logic is always the best suit for when things go wrong.
doughnuts and gym cards. you're like me then. there is a sweetie store, a doughnut shop, a frozen yoghurt shop, a pizza place, Italian, Chinese and Indian where my gym is at. if i want a vegetable straight after gym, i'd have to pick it off a slice of pizza. xD what is more likely that i'd be throwing off bits of vegetables off my pizza though. :P
that's the thing about an expensive gym. the one thing i have more than motivation to exercise (non-existent) is my hatred of wasting money. i will go just because i don't want to feel like i have wasted my money.
THERE WE GO. you're badass. i love how you think. i genuinely do. you're my motivation for eating right and exercising and nothing too little. YES.
-Sam Lupin
Ahhh, the denim skirt! It looks adorable on you. I can't remember if I've asked before, but how tall are you? Regardless, you stand tall and carry your posture beautifully. Not enough people do these days :)
That's one beautiful donut. It looks semi-magical - I thought it was a jewelry box or something at first glance. And wow, that's one hell of a calorie burn. I know you've just shelled out big bucks for the gym membership, but, please try to at least get some rest days in. You're doing so well, it'd be a shame to slaughter your metabolism along the way.
Much love to you deary <3 xx
*breathes in* Tat, you know i've got to reply to you now.
yikes. you're hardcore. i'm not. sore means if i try to squat the day after a good workout, i can't acquire a good posture because of how much it hurts. or that my performance is shit because i feel like shit. and i feel like shit even more after. that's a new definition of tired i've never heard of. my tired is coming back from wherever i am, collapsing on bed, every muscle in existence aching. and somehow, that happens whenever i go out. like being outside is a workout on its own :P
"You just gave me such a self esteem boost. Thank you, I have little issues with Suna right now so I really needed that. Love you forever." love you forever too, angel x
i never feel full after i ate. i always feel full after a period of time. i'm a quick eater. if i have eaten something, i honestly distract myself for a full hour afterwards because i know i'll still be hungry even if i eat a goat for breakfast. i'm the person that eats, and then like fifteen minutes after, i'm clutching my stomach in agony, "why the fuck did i eat so much?"
"One of the biggest lessons in my recovery has been that there some really good techniques to control food that ED teaches" that's very nice. i like this one. and quite true. i've used my obsession with fuel not to distract me from the fact that i don't eat, but to fuel me with foods that could help that i like.
i think there will always be some extent of ED behaviour effecting our intake, but we just have to recognise it as a slip and not revert back. that's my problem. i don't recognise the slip, and i go back and then i eat more and the cycle starts up again. i need to fix it.
"It's completely mistaken that fairy, it should try to find food for the dragons elsewhere." the fairy's a hot one. maybe that's why i was walking towards danger.
"Electrical shock, omg, be careful. Never try that again! I still want to talk about dragons with you!" DRAGONS ARE THE BEST. and i won't touch an open fuse again (or try not to).
-Sam Lupin
*breathes in* Tat, you know i've got to reply to you now.
yikes. you're hardcore. i'm not. sore means if i try to squat the day after a good workout, i can't acquire a good posture because of how much it hurts. or that my performance is shit because i feel like shit. and i feel like shit even more after. that's a new definition of tired i've never heard of. my tired is coming back from wherever i am, collapsing on bed, every muscle in existence aching. and somehow, that happens whenever i go out. like being outside is a workout on its own :P
"You just gave me such a self esteem boost. Thank you, I have little issues with Suna right now so I really needed that. Love you forever." love you forever too, angel x
i never feel full after i ate. i always feel full after a period of time. i'm a quick eater. if i have eaten something, i honestly distract myself for a full hour afterwards because i know i'll still be hungry even if i eat a goat for breakfast. i'm the person that eats, and then like fifteen minutes after, i'm clutching my stomach in agony, "why the fuck did i eat so much?"
"One of the biggest lessons in my recovery has been that there some really good techniques to control food that ED teaches" that's very nice. i like this one. and quite true. i've used my obsession with fuel not to distract me from the fact that i don't eat, but to fuel me with foods that could help that i like.
i think there will always be some extent of ED behaviour effecting our intake, but we just have to recognise it as a slip and not revert back. that's my problem. i don't recognise the slip, and i go back and then i eat more and the cycle starts up again. i need to fix it.
"It's completely mistaken that fairy, it should try to find food for the dragons elsewhere." the fairy's a hot one. maybe that's why i was walking towards danger.
"Electrical shock, omg, be careful. Never try that again! I still want to talk about dragons with you!" DRAGONS ARE THE BEST. and i won't touch an open fuse again (or try not to).
-Sam Lupin
*breathes in* Tat, you know i've got to reply to you now.
yikes. you're hardcore. i'm not. sore means if i try to squat the day after a good workout, i can't acquire a good posture because of how much it hurts. or that my performance is shit because i feel like shit. and i feel like shit even more after. that's a new definition of tired i've never heard of. my tired is coming back from wherever i am, collapsing on bed, every muscle in existence aching. and somehow, that happens whenever i go out. like being outside is a workout on its own :P
"You just gave me such a self esteem boost. Thank you, I have little issues with Suna right now so I really needed that. Love you forever." love you forever too, angel x
i never feel full after i ate. i always feel full after a period of time. i'm a quick eater. if i have eaten something, i honestly distract myself for a full hour afterwards because i know i'll still be hungry even if i eat a goat for breakfast. i'm the person that eats, and then like fifteen minutes after, i'm clutching my stomach in agony, "why the fuck did i eat so much?"
"One of the biggest lessons in my recovery has been that there some really good techniques to control food that ED teaches" that's very nice. i like this one. and quite true. i've used my obsession with fuel not to distract me from the fact that i don't eat, but to fuel me with foods that could help that i like.
i think there will always be some extent of ED behaviour effecting our intake, but we just have to recognise it as a slip and not revert back. that's my problem. i don't recognise the slip, and i go back and then i eat more and the cycle starts up again. i need to fix it.
"It's completely mistaken that fairy, it should try to find food for the dragons elsewhere." the fairy's a hot one. maybe that's why i was walking towards danger.
"Electrical shock, omg, be careful. Never try that again! I still want to talk about dragons with you!" DRAGONS ARE THE BEST. and i won't touch an open fuse again (or try not to).
-Sam Lupin
salt and i have been at it for years. i had a mad soy sauce addiction. that's not good. no calories, but all the salt. i was as puffy as a whale. and my love of soup. and my love of convenience food plastered with salt. eh. salt and i.
that's interesting. i'm somewhere in between now - plans and guidelines but nothing super strict. i realised what i can restrict down to before i go insane and i realise how much my body craves. and i've started eating back my exercise calories.
that's very nicely stated. i trust in that as well. i think for me, i just want a good body. my body is not a state of perfection neither does it effect how perfect i feel. the only thing it will effect is how comfortable i feel. i do not like having a woman's body. i need to feel androgynous, curveless. less of a woman, more not of a man - a boy.
"No. It doesn't say I'm proud of you for working hard, it blames you to be something and that's why you get the results. It's not a nice word at all... it implies jealousy and it's far from being thankful or proud." i like this quite a bit too. for most people around here, they do splutter the word out with disdain. she's a perfectionist. but right now, a lot of people are seeing how hard i work and they commend me for it. and then they ask for help. and i give it to them.
you're an astounding little fairy. aw, you're adorable. and i hope one day i can shun their comments anyway. i want a day where someone calls me fat and i feel angry because i know i'm not! Xxxx
-Sam Lupin
i love how i come here to respond to comments. this post is plagued with my responses and whatnot. i like it.
"but on the end wait for you to pull out the highest ranks possible because anything else won't be enough" basically. i live on that. i love the fact that i got the highest rank in 6 of my subjects, but i hate the fact that it's not all of them.
"But those are amazing results." thank you, darling. i'm smiling because you said that.
"But it's hard to take a moment and to be happy about it without food, isn't it. And if you're happy about it and try to eat the joy it doesn't taste good at all... guillt tastes much better." actually, funnily enough, i'm like a walking emotionless lump. i can't taste much, crave food often despite being unable to taste it, and i can't really feel much either. it's interesting though how this is a certain mood for me. i'm not sure if i'm happy or not about it truth be told.
"hugs, you're not incapable of losing weight." you're lovely. i know. it just feels like it at the moment. <3
"And I don't appreciate eatable gifts at all either... I've started to say people that you should buy me a protein bar, powder or shaker, then I can take it but nothing else please." here's where i say my eating habits change too drastically for me to demand one thing at a certain interval. i live on a body that survives on a diet of protein on one end, and when that's over and done with, all it wants is chocolate and sugar.
-Sam Lupin
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