Zhu almost runs at me, it was last minute call but I'm so happy that I did it. I haven't seen her since she left from China. Sure we have been mailing much because we both like writing about the deep and painful stuff, not so much talking about it. Coffee after coffee, she seems to be happy and things have fallen in place for her quite ok. I feel one stone falling off my heart. She's ok and to her it seems to be the same thing.
We get the crazy idea for the day; amusement park. Just on thing where we go in because we don't have money for anything more but one ticket. We end the day with Chinese food and some more coffee laughing how it's suddenly even more confusing to be here because we're together. We've never done anything together in Finland, so the drills went on. Thinking that if we have paid before leaving the coffee shop, being amazed when we got separated bill...
***
Music, but this time it's Yu... my beloved Yu. Again I get the warm familiar feeling, like nothing had happened. Like I've always been here. I follow as easy as ever, I even got my old place back where I've always been dancing. For an hour I feel like I belong.
After that me and Suna stay talking, we talk, talk, talk and Yu looks at us smiling when she an hour later walks to her car, next to us, with her son. They have been doing the ab training after and we just kinda got stuck.
***
Yuki smiles at me. She talks and talks and talks... I can't help but feel proud, my little sweetheart has been improving tremendously while I was away. Not only that she has gotten thinner - what a motivation - but she has also learned to talk. She has really gotten a long way from that person who she was and it's all thanks to her boyfriend. She's looking things out of her comfort zone and she has learned to show her emotions instead of fighting. I feel so proud of here, is there nothing better but to feel that for your friend when you come back?
This is my life at the moment. I have a loooooooooong letter going on for Sparkle because I can't say it all
with the volume it deserves. Also I like my job here... I'm in the middle of the history of craziness (Eve feel welcomed to come as long as you like) and I get to read about it, talk about it and do things about it. Could there be anything better than that. People also seem to like me, I've gotten nicely many replies that I did good on my tour and one teacher from a local school even want me to keep few classes from her course. How crazy is that? Merit in 45 minutes and little smiling to her, got sold.
Food? Trying to hang on to this good feeling I got from Sparkle but I feel the urge. Mainly it's to get thinner, not with any method possible but to get thinner... and I have those thoughts now that I just ate. I feel full... that's what I still hate and handle kinda poorly. So I try not to slip. It was really help full to share food with Sparkle because I got like a hand in hand guidance to what is normal eating that gives you that kind of fit dream body as she has. I got 6 months. I want to also wow Cinnamon with my new fitness body I'm going to get... I've had enough of this. And I wish I can see the changes with the changes I make... soon.... because even though I left my scale at my house (on purpose! Imagine what kind of statement to myself!) when I moved out, I know I can't wait for ever and do it like snail. The funny thing is that the Asians are like half of the size of the Finnish people and I'm more triggered here and more anxious about my body, I feel fatter and, and, and... there's this litlle bastard in my ear telling me that we all know how is it going to end... I'm not listening.
And lastly to you my darlings thank you, I know I'm busy/lazy to answer anything throughout. Your comments brought me to tears when I see how much you feel for me. At the moment I can't describe it because I'm not that connected to myself. I float on do, do, do, tell, tell, tell... I don't want you to feel that I forgot you because I didn't. I never could. You're the people who touch me as much and as deep as Sparkle and I would die/do something really bad if anything bad happened to you. <3 p="">
2 kommenttia:
It's crazy how you leave someplace and return and it's as though nothing changed. If it did, it's huge, but life seems to pause in some aspects. I often wonder if it's God's way of anchoring us when we struggle, giving us something to cling to.
I'm positive that you are beautiful my dear. Don't give in to that negative voice or I really will have to come and stay :P
You also get a large hug from me. I don't know how but you always manage to say what I struggle to. I feel disconnected too, just floating on without emotional fire. It's terrible.. it's like you don't belong or you just observe and I want to experience and participate and be and do more than exist in this middle layer. You have a beautiful heart and I think if I ever met you, I would like you just as much and more. I'm thinking of you love. Thanks for thinking of me when I'm down and out. <3
i'm glad that you're going back there honestly. you were happy there and you deserved it more than anything.
"Gee was late like a reasonable gay man should be." i am Gee. like i can be exceptionally late.
it sounds like you've been keeping busy, which is really good honey.
you are a likeable angel honey thats why
don't listen. that's a bastard thats out to hurt you.
doing it like a snail works. i mean i can't see the added changes, but over the course of this college year i did drop nearly 13 pounds and that is better than nothing
awwwwwww you're a sweetheart, love. <3 we care just as deeply about you. i was worrying about how you'd do but you're handling it quite nicely. you're amazing, sweetheart. hold onto that.
-Sam Lupin
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