First mistake

The pain of the first mistake is here. Me and my work mate really don't know what happened but 20 bucks from the entry fees are missing from yesterday. I think I counted wrong, might be... even though I checked two times and I'm sure it was right. But I'm the only one who took such a big amount of money and where it might have gone wrong.
   I know that the anxiousness of today is all because of it. I feel fatter and I need to consciously fight not to skip meals today and not to send myself down to that drain. Things happen. There has been a lot of people and someone could have stolen it before, to be logical... but still I feel like I've done something wrong even though I'm pretty sure I counted right. Yesterday I wasn't so on my toes with myself and I dripped. I took a second helping of noodles with veggie curry that I had made for dinner... I wasn't hungry and I feel horrible. Later I took quark with granola; again not hungry. Watching Hannah Montana and looking at the skinny teenagers... thinking what a cow am I. Not so happy night after a crazy ass busy day of running around the island.

I don't feel this like a major thing but I'm scared that it will escalate into something because there's these pictures running in my head from last summer when I wandered around the city hungry as hell and ending up eating candy, having two day binges inside watching some tv-shows and just stopping myself from living. I got tired of fighting against it. Against both the not/eating devil and the eat everything devil. Now I hear them both again really clear and loud and they're twisting my reality. Poisoning my vision with dark mist and making me confused.
   I just watched a movie Beautiful mind and it's fucking good. I can relate to that... that's exactly what I should do. Scream these two misfits in my head that "I'm not fucking listening to you anymore, I'm not talking to you anymore!" Then trust that plan (which I should first make) in the paper. Act according to it and do everything it says... eat what's written in there and exercise as much as written in there. But I'm bad at following those plans, it's hard to numb these voices and play def. And I don't know what kind of support do I need to get rid of this. To who should I say it that I need help with this. I've just learned to be open but I still don't know how to let people help me, how to explain what I need when I don't know it myself.

*** Later ***
Ugh, another morning with this same shit... I have no idea how much more I can take it. But no worries... I have a plan. I just noticed that one large company is searching for tourguides for their destinations - that's for me. Definitely for me. At me level I'm still horribly busy and disconnected.... just focusing on my work. Waiting for the night because then I'm alone in here, there's some people in different building getting ready for tomorrow.

Thank you again my ladies. I'm hanging in here... it's just the other end. Really it's not this horrible. Now I got to go to work.
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