What are you running away from?

"It's so different when it happens to you," Sparkle says, she has been drinking and so am I, I see the tears burning behind her eyes that cannot come out because the truth of loss haven't still stuck on her, "you would think that after all the dead I've seen you could understand it, recognize it and know... but it was the two last minutes. Two last minutes when I understood it that it's happening now." 
   Her eyes fill up but nothing is coming down. I silently move my leg under the table, I know she'll need a hug soon because there's nothing I can say to make it better. In my mind I think that ten years and she's still crying like that over her mom, I don't think it's pathetic, not at all. I think it's beautiful. 
"I had to go out side of the room to gasp air you know, I didn't want her to see it. Then I came back and said to her that it's ok mom, we will be ok that I would... make sure we're going to be ok because I'm the oldest..." I stand up and up to her. She looks a little surprised when she looks up at me, I open my arms and wrap them around her. And I don't let go, not before she herself does. 
   
Later that night she asks me what am I running from, I wish I could explain it but I can't. Not really. "You're in a loop Tatyana, when you think it's all gone, it comes back and you don't know what to do with it. The way you can move forward is to say to it, when it comes back, that you're done with it. That you're not listening to that. It's the little devil, after talking with my son years ago, I saw few times when he literally took the devil out of his ear and tossed it on the ground. The child did it for real." 

Sparkle hugs me on the cabs door. I think it was over too quick, it hurts already. I'm standing there, stalling... I don't want to go. Not yet. Not now. This day should have never come. My hand is on top of the door, I just can't kneel down and step in. 
   "Sparkle," my voice stutters, I look at her half in a panic, half crying, half sad, half strong I'm going to survive face, don't cry please face, "thank you, for everything." the hardest words I've ever said because they hold in so much and many meanings that I have no time to explain. But seeing her face, hearing the sound of her voice when she whispers that "it's ok, that it was fun to fool around." I know she sees the depth of it and understands. I lift my hand to wave, she does the same but the arm length between us has a magnetic field and we're drawn to each other. She grasps my hand for the one last time, fingers crossing, she says "see you soon!". I turn and I feel like in a movie when the grip slides we both turn away and one finger after finger we separate, slowly, slowly...

"This morning when I was reading your fb update my Ipad started playing that one anime song you were one morning... it reminded of you" she writes and I smile, I'm not the only one feeling that something is missing. She was there all the time, all the time, just for me and by my side. Sharing the food, sharing clothes, sharing ideas, dancing.... I can't tell how much I miss her and how much I cried on my flights. 

But it's not all tears my lovely ladies. I have another adventure starting now... last two summers I've been working on an island but this summer I'm on different island. I'm working as a church guide in a place where they had leprosy hospital in 1600's and I'm practically living here when I'm on duty. That's so cool! And Sparkle isn't going to go anywhere, she's still there for me. Maybe not so physically close but distance is only physical phenomenon. I miss her but I know we can continue right where we left when I'm back... it's hard to explain but it really feels like I never was away even though I was completely lost and could barely go grocery shopping.