The exams are stealing my time, I hate finals. I have no motivation because I've been doing too good on Midterms and other performances; I'm going to get B's if I screw up my exams so bad that I'll get C's from these... if I get B's or A's, I will get A's. Except for the social psychology because I skipped the presentation and I know for sure it's going to be B. So what have I been doing....? Sunday I just couldn't understand the slides from intercultural communication so I just went to buy a bottle of vodka. I've never ever done this before, been drinking just before the exams... but after that first class I got the slides a little better. Tuesday I did the same thing - with Sparkle and red for the Thai exam at 6 am. Oooops, and considered if I should change my morning coffee for morning vodka. Tuesday I also got my diving license... like WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'm officially a diver now!
A yellow fish is swimming up to my face, I think it likes the bubbles I'm blowing. Or then not, because it looks a little scared and swims back under the corals. I float weightlessly above the reef, feeling like I'm in a dream. I don't care to look for others, they're somewhere around but this moment is mine. Just be in peace and watch the sea cucumbers rolling. If they weren't that colorful I bet they would be a image of depression.
***
"There's around 80 exchange students coming and it's my job now to find accommodation for them! I really wish I can make this deal work with this company...." the British ladies are looking at her with wide eyes, they know she has a jack pot win right there.
"That's great Sparkle!"
"I know..." she looks at me and reaches my shoulder, "...thank you so much Tatyana, she advertised me for them." I smile, no problem. I love to see her so exited and I love this feeling that I boosted something really good for her. Best thing is that it was so surprising for her, I secretly sent one e-mail and said that this company really should consider cooperation with Sparkle. I've done so much free work for them and given feedback that I'm also pleased to see that they're really listening to me.
That's from Tuesday, we went to the British house right after our zumba to celebrate birthday of the now 17 year old darling. Cake, sparkling wine, gin tonic... and a lot of talking. I've always known that she's a nurse... but she has been working in a mental ward for a long time and does every summer. That explains a lot. Because the reaction when I talked with her was so, I don't know how to describe it, but I saw that she understood and she came with it but she didn't let the emotions distract her. I mean you know what happens, many people get shocked and adapt into our emotions that we express in order to show us that they understand. It's good and needed when you need just support and that kind of understanding; a place to let your frustration out. But when you should really get onward and find solutions that kind of emotion focused support makes you stuck in the same emotions without really giving anything new to feel and think.
But really I feel confident now that if I collapse crying... like on Monday, she'll know what to do and I'm not the one who has to give those instructions because she'd be too scared to do anything. Monday was bad... I went for the hall we had zumba like a hour advance, it was raining and thundering and I was totally wet. Then it started, my life just started run before my eyes. Picture after picture and every picture hit me with an emotion... getting me overloaded and I just sat in the corner crying crazy while my clothes were dripping and making a little pool under me. That's the Alice in Wonderland moment for you guys. It was dark and I had no lights on, so when Sparkle came she didn't see me at first. Just that two seconds was what I needed to do the zap, close my veins, smile and box my feelings. Talk about everything like noooothing had happened. I wish I weren't this locked inside my head. It's making me crazy! Like you know you want to talk but there's the invisible wall that deterioration your words before they come out and you just say main senteses that lack the depth and are not what you really need to let out. I hate it, I so hate it. But just like this, give me a pen and paper and I'll write you a book.
Cinnamon is rushing us out. I feel like having a baby sitter and I can tell Sparkle feel the same. She's all about talking with her customers. We wowed them, I got many compliments "You're amazing! Just like you move all of your limbs at the same time, wow, I can't do that!". Sparkle smiles at me, this class was just perfect combo of us too and I can tell the dissonance from Cinnamon's face. She's still a little confused that what's going on with us and maybe feeling little outsider. But we are a good combination, Sparkle is more about salsa, I'm hip hop and we make a really good team because we have such a same way to instruct. And I just felt the beats that night.
We stay sitting on our motorbikes when Cinnamon drives away. Smiling to each other, TIME TO PARTY!! Baby sitter is gone! As much as we love Cinnamon, she could loosen up a little sometimes. The thing I love about Sparkle is that she doesn't hide behind brand clothing and goes on the class in secondhand things - just like I do. It's about personal style, not brands, it's about the fun, not about the glossy glory... fun is never clean. And remember that she's twice my age, she could be my mom.
Here I am now, after exam... M didn't say anything else to me but "it was a pleasure." How dry... but then again context and blah, blah, blah... in a way I wish we would find the time to talk but then again I just want to avoid her and run away. I don't really know what I want from that relationship or do I want anything... this has been my issue lately. To know what I want... I know only one thing and that's "I don't want to leave!" (8 days to go before the hell is ready to break loose again...)
***
"There's around 80 exchange students coming and it's my job now to find accommodation for them! I really wish I can make this deal work with this company...." the British ladies are looking at her with wide eyes, they know she has a jack pot win right there. "That's great Sparkle!"
"I know..." she looks at me and reaches my shoulder, "...thank you so much Tatyana, she advertised me for them." I smile, no problem. I love to see her so exited and I love this feeling that I boosted something really good for her. Best thing is that it was so surprising for her, I secretly sent one e-mail and said that this company really should consider cooperation with Sparkle. I've done so much free work for them and given feedback that I'm also pleased to see that they're really listening to me.
That's from Tuesday, we went to the British house right after our zumba to celebrate birthday of the now 17 year old darling. Cake, sparkling wine, gin tonic... and a lot of talking. I've always known that she's a nurse... but she has been working in a mental ward for a long time and does every summer. That explains a lot. Because the reaction when I talked with her was so, I don't know how to describe it, but I saw that she understood and she came with it but she didn't let the emotions distract her. I mean you know what happens, many people get shocked and adapt into our emotions that we express in order to show us that they understand. It's good and needed when you need just support and that kind of understanding; a place to let your frustration out. But when you should really get onward and find solutions that kind of emotion focused support makes you stuck in the same emotions without really giving anything new to feel and think.
Cinnamon is rushing us out. I feel like having a baby sitter and I can tell Sparkle feel the same. She's all about talking with her customers. We wowed them, I got many compliments "You're amazing! Just like you move all of your limbs at the same time, wow, I can't do that!". Sparkle smiles at me, this class was just perfect combo of us too and I can tell the dissonance from Cinnamon's face. She's still a little confused that what's going on with us and maybe feeling little outsider. But we are a good combination, Sparkle is more about salsa, I'm hip hop and we make a really good team because we have such a same way to instruct. And I just felt the beats that night.
We stay sitting on our motorbikes when Cinnamon drives away. Smiling to each other, TIME TO PARTY!! Baby sitter is gone! As much as we love Cinnamon, she could loosen up a little sometimes. The thing I love about Sparkle is that she doesn't hide behind brand clothing and goes on the class in secondhand things - just like I do. It's about personal style, not brands, it's about the fun, not about the glossy glory... fun is never clean. And remember that she's twice my age, she could be my mom.
Here I am now, after exam... M didn't say anything else to me but "it was a pleasure." How dry... but then again context and blah, blah, blah... in a way I wish we would find the time to talk but then again I just want to avoid her and run away. I don't really know what I want from that relationship or do I want anything... this has been my issue lately. To know what I want... I know only one thing and that's "I don't want to leave!" (8 days to go before the hell is ready to break loose again...)
2 kommenttia:
You seem sad :( you didn't really write about it but it's still heavy feeling. I'm thinking of you dear and glad you got to let loose and have a good class. I always seem to dance vest when I've been sad and go out to the bars with my friends. In don't care about the people, I just want to exist in my own body and emotions.
<3
morning vodka
is that driving or diving we'll never know
aww omg you really are a sweetheart, making Sparkle so gleeful
you really can tell when someone just gets it and when they don't sometimes, even without them actually saying a word.
that so called Alice in Wonderland moment im sorry you had to experience that, love. i'm sure it was nowhere near pleasant. i would've been horrifically humiliated. i hope you're better now. <3
i honestly don't want you to leave. i'm scared of you leaving. i don't want you to be anywhere where Sparkle isn't. she...ignites your spark. forgive me for saying that.
and Eve is right. there is a huge heaviness in this post. especially when you were talking about how this place fit you and was where youy belonged because of Sparkle and now, you have to go away in 8 days? i really hope you come back. this is where you're supposed to be, love. this place makes you happy. and you deserve to be happy.
~Sam Lupin
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