Pics, ramble nibbles and phantom feelings

It's raining still... like that little April shower where the rain comes down in such a small drops that it can't absorb itself anywhere, it just stays on you like little glass beams on your hair. You wish they would last for the night but they won't. Eventually your hair and clothes will accept them. Eventually they will disappear... and some people can't get them at all. I'm hiding from them in this bungalow coffee house which has lifted up from the ground. I like it. Sitting among the tree leaves and listening to the birds.
   But no shit, I didn't take the pain killers with me. Monday they pulled my the tooth out which split in half in Frankfurt and now I have huge gap and I've gotten the interesting experience of phantom pain. It's not bad pain yet, I mean I can handle it very easy, but it's like in the place where the pulled out piece should be. I assume I said the thing that "I think my tooth split" too carelessly because the dentist was truly shocked when she saw what was going on in my mouth... "oh, my! This is bad... you need to go to x-ray, now!" and she was wondering that truly it hasn't been hurting? No it hasn't. My teeth work funny because when they're not hurting there's at least one hole in my mouth. And when they're hurting, there's nothing wrong. But the option was surgery where could have fixed the that one tooth or they will pull it out and I'll get something removable in place. Told them to pull it out. I think the implant is an easier option in this case.

The night before I was sleeping next to Sparkle again. Best night sleep I've had since I came here - and right after my tooth got pulled out. And this time I can honestly say that I was biting my teeth during the zumba class and I had blood taste in my mouth. Signs of a good work out? Haha... you can say that when you go to the class straight from the dentist.

And there you go guys. My face... so this blog got just a little bit more personal. Straight after shower with barely dried hair in my favorite coffee shop. Just thought that what the heck.... I'm me anyway and it's not like people wouldn't recognize me if they red this. I'm way too personal already here, so what the heck. I've always said that the sun is brighter here in Phuket. You would never know it's raining behind me.
   I can't explain what is it but in here I just snap straight to the healthy mode. It might be because I feel like I belong here and I can somehow be more at peace with myself. I was just talking with Sparkle and it seems that she's patching the way for me to move here. Got to love her for that. But it won't be next year, earliest the year after that. And I also hope that I could bring Suna with me for a while at some point. Now it's really hard for her to get any vacation from work (stupid boss - I hate it when money determinates everything and suddenly people are put on sick days because they just can't hold it much longer and they'll fall apart). There's something seriously wrong with that society we have there. I wouldn't mind working 24/7 if I would be free to work where I want and take my breaks when I want. Like in here. People almost live at work but they also go take care of things while working hours. There's not such a strong difference between working time and free time in here because it's all about humanity and personal needs. We sure need work and we sure need breaks. Sounds like and utopia, and I'm sure it's rough some days when you might not have a total one day free but only small breaks in the middle but still I find it more person oriented that the way we just knock the hours and forget why we are doing, why we loved it and why do we feel like our life is not moving.

My worries about Suna are not over either. I was right, this distance is good now, it makes her think more and I can write her more. The Nano I'm writing came to be about my own life quite a bit so just now I gave piece of to Suna and she said I'm hitting on a nail there about what she is thinking. And that I really get her to think even though I sometimes wonder that do I hit anywhere when she's so speechless - but I know how hard it is. Specially when I'm thinking everything totally from the root and the beginning of the world. It's actually just occurring me more how bad things will get in next ten years if she can't change herself. It scares me.... she gave me a task to take a photo of something everyday that makes me happy. And I gave her a task which is a part of bigger task I have planned out for her when I get back. It starts with listing things. So the first list is the hardest 50 things she can do and is good at (that's bitch, I know... once did it myself and it made me realize how hard it was for me to say anything positive about myself, that really woke me up how much and how practical things showed that I hate myself - and it's waking her up too; one night of thinking and she got 7 - I think I got 5). After that there's lists of 30 things you have succeeded in life, that make you happy, that you're afraid of, that you have not succeeded, that you wish or dream about, that have hurt you the worst... etc. and the phase two is to make a mental map about them and to see how they go together, what affects which one and which is related to where. That should reveal the whole situation we have at hand to her and to me. And after that we can go to thematic mapping if needed... put word food in the middle and see what comes around it to see what she thinks about it. Because the thing that makes me the most scared is the mindset she has about food. After all these years trying to figure out what it means to be recovered I came to conclusion that I'm ok "when I know why I'm relapsing and doing insane peaks if I am doing them - knowing the primary conscious motives and the subconscious motives for the action. So if I use food to express or handle my emotions I know why and when I'm doing so. And when I stay rather close to the gray area between my own extremes and not try to create new extremes." If I use this on Suna, I have to say that she has (starting) BED colored with over compulsive exercise and anxiety disorders. I haven't said it to her yet... I mean I have shaked her a lot lately because I've been able to write and explain why she does what she does - and I can't help remembering that when she first time red the Nano-part I wrote specially to her, she stared curled up like little ball and leaning on me. She was unable to speak or cry and that just scares me the most... and how she some while after was tickling me, we both were laughing and fell on the floor from the couch, then she was leaning on me, first trying to tickle me more and all smiling but then she stopped moving and I realized that she was crying. But we're getting forward with speaking. At least she was able to say to me that I'm important to her and that my presence feels good. And at least those emotions are visible to me and they're coming out. I hope we never need to go there where I need to really stick that knife in her to get her to move. I just don't want to say that and give her an excuse to do what she does because there's a risk she'll do that - or then she'll be so shaken by it that she'll try run away from it too fast, fall and crumble to a catastrophe.
   How would you guys define the recovered, or recovering? Not the idealized picture where your problems would be non-existent and there wouldn't been any voices from your past knocking back at you. But in terms of dealing with them. Honestly... I always hit the problems people have. I always find the painful spots. While I was sitting in Singapore and waiting for a flight for 19 hours I managed 6 people with problems reaching out to me. One was Suna, the other one was Aya, the third one was Angel, the fouth one was some random guy from Australia whose wife was a Philippine and he was on his way to see her in the middle of the catastrophe (he didn't have a fitting adapter so I let him to load his phone with mine and that's when he started nearly crying and talking about the situation there) and two others. At that point I thought I should put up a coffee shop corner where to make appointments and the tip box for payment. That happens to me a lot that totally foreign people just open up... and some of my friend come to me like "I need the psych now". I don't mind, really I don't, but sometimes I feel like I'm taken granted. So far Suna is the only one who

actually manages to listen to me too and to who I can talk in daily basis about what's going on in my head without worrying that can she handle it. I mean there's people who make me feel loved for sure but no one does it like Suna does so to talk about a friend. All of my friends are special in their own way, but she's the one who has stolen my heart for now because she makes me feel needed - and that lovely thing just told me that I should remember that all I need to do is to curl up on her lap when ever I feel like I need it and she would hug me.

Love you all! When the sun is gone, you need to be your own sun!