Back to Paradise

This was three days ago...

I was supposed to write before I leave but, but, but.... I have two drafts but no time to make a proper one. Not before now, sitting at Singapore with a teeth that split in two pieces and waiting for the next flight. I still got 9 hours to go here... but it's ok the wifi is working and I managed to trick them to give me double passwords so when the first runs out I still got another one stored for me :D.

Leaving was hard like always specially because of Suna. Now I realized that I've never let anyone that close... she said the same thing and now she finally said that she had no idea how alone she has been because it has become normal for her. I so recon myself from there; I know the feeling when you just burst in tears because someone cares and takes the few minutes to ask if you're alright. There's so much I would love to write about that last night with her but I can't because I have also such a desire to protect her and because I can't control who reads this and who doesn't.
 

 Anyway, there's something when you're holding something precious. You're squeezing it and this precious thing is crying so hard that your shirt gets wet from the tears... and you know it's because she loves you but you know that this precious thing has such a golden core that even though it's as broken and vulnerable as it is with all the tears, when you just hear the words "I couldn't have foreseen it in the summer, that you would become so important to me" then you reply "me neither" and then you hear it, the words spoken between the tears, the pain that is trying to hold them back and keep them in, the trust driving them forward, the denial that doesn't want to admit the need, the pure feeling that demands to come out "..but it feels good that you're here"
   I felt like dying at that point. I wanted her to come with me so that she could see other things and strip down the need for comfort. But I also know that actually leaving her like this for a while after being so close, is the best thing I can do for her so that she'll see the contrast from before and now which will hopefully empower her to change at least one or two of the habits.


***

Now I'm sitting in a coffee shop because the internet in my house is not working. And that's also the reason I haven't been updating sooner. I had a lecture diary I needed to write and now I got an essay that I need to finish in five days... but I don't mind. I'm in the paradise and here it's nice to study. I was thinking to get prepaid connection or something... but then again it's almost the same as going to the internet bar which might actually be cheaper in the end. And the only thing during the night requiring internet is actually Suna - I want to talk with her. So yesterday I literally drove over a mountain to find a place where I could talk to her. And the funny thing was that in the end it was all along really close to my house. I just didn't see it for the first time.
   And the house Sparkle got me is in the middle of the jungle but still close to everything. Just this morning I killed two huge cockroaches that tried to come in for breakfast... third one got away but these two are now in two pieces and stuck under a cup. It takes time before they die even like that... and when I left I kinda smiled to the fallen legs on the floor. Poor things. I mean I don't hate them like most people do, I'm ok with them if they won't come too close.

And to the teeth news, I'll go to dentist on Monday. And now I have a hole in my mouth because the part that split fell off yesterday when I was eating toast and peanut butter... but it's still not hurting. My teeth are funny in that way that they won't hurt even though there would be a reason to.

Yesterday the talk with Suna was enlightening one. I told her how I was thinking that I want her with me next time. That I was driving down from the hill, hearing the bats and grass hoppers in the trees and enjoying one of the most amazing views there is and I just kept thinking how she needed an experience just like that. For a change it seems that she's starting to realize the whole situation... not yet fully understand it but bit by bit. That's how we do it. When she said she really would love to come with me here, we got quite good insight of these thing she does... I mean I can easy say that they are just as insane as the things we think when we know that there's a birthday party coming up. All the fasting, all the things we need to do to compensate. I mean the things she thinks are that harmful to the body but they're harmful to the soul. And if she can't change that the day will come when she's beyond my help. I also said to her that she's not immune to things like depression and that's just how it starts; when everything gets just the shades of the true colors of life and when everything gets just little too safe and when you start to live more on "when" because the "now" feels nothing, not enough and irrelevant. That's when the problems start to pile - the kind of problems that you don't even see so clearly and you react to them only when you're about to die because of them. I'm guess I still worry about her too much, but if that keeps her from sinking down under I'm fine with that.

But Sparkle waits. We're going to swim and little something, something. First night she slept with me because we had too many drinks and she wasn't really shape to drive home. Safe and stable Sparkle who can handle herself even when it's hard. I love that lady... and I'm short of sleep because I'm just too happy and feeling that I'm in the place where I need to be. Have a nice day ladies, I'll get back to you when I can find next place with wifi. Lots of love to each and everyone of you!