Puzzling pieces

I miss blogging, I want to write everyday like I used to but I don't have time and I don't know what to write. This kind of fear of white paper and screen is new, it has happened before and usually it's when I'm in a mental knot. Yesterday I was in somewhat knot but today it's already better... only because I took the time to go to write about everything going on in here and analyze.
   So most of the people went to Koh Samui to enjoy for a few days, I didn't Una didn't, Ina didn't and also Lara stayed. Now I got to see a different Una, she's sure annoying when she talks out every single thought she has but I just started wondering that has anyone ever said anything to her before getting mad and starting to yell? Because she is sensitive in her own way and she listens better than for example Nam. What I see is that Una is little spoiled, little lost in here whit new people but she's still more realistic than many others and she has really nice grib for life. Where as Nam is totally different story. She's being over dramatic and there's something seriously wrong with the way she thinks.
   For example; I'm doing a group work with her on social psychology and before leaving to Koh Samui she told me not to go to our project place because she wants to be there too. So we cannot do our project because she's not present and others are? Also she asked me if I wanted to do one course by writing an essay... she needed me to ask it from the teacher because her English is not that good. So I asked and when we left the class she was totally hyper because other people had looked at us when we had left, also when one of them asked via fb that what's going on, she was straight like "oh, they're so jealous! That's not any pf their business!" It may be not but what's wrong with asking?  Then one time she was saying me that "That is so annoying when I talk with my friends - I mean I know we pick up information from what we hear without thinking - but you know when people say something as their own thoughts and you know you're the one that told them that... and they just say it like they invented it!" Like O.o... oh girl, tell me how can you OWN thoughts and ideas? And this owning is everywhere she goes and everything she does. No one owns her, no one should care what she does because her business is her business. But she should know everything about everyone and everyone else's business is also her business. And the thing that scares me most in that girl is the way she was happy about the fact that Ina had a fight with Una about the way she treated her.

Nam made it look like she had told Ina to do something and she had caused it and she was proud of that she had stood up from behind. Now sure it's wrong to just stand in the side if you see that someone is treating someone badly - and Nam is going to be a special teacher so of course that to her looks like bullying for sure and that black and white thinking bully or not bully made her say things to Ina that made her cry. But to me that is manipulating because if you toy with someone's emotions from a point where you're not a teacher or in anyway have upper hand but you're a friend a fellow student and you take that mental state where the object is figuring it out and you tell her what to do, that's brainwashing, using and manipulating. And calling others bullies because they do nothing? There's two kind of silence, acceptance and disagreement. And honestly if you see and hear someone bitching to the other why wouldn't you say something in the spot to that person who's doing it? Why would you go to the object and make her yell at her roomie? Sure yea, fine you make the weak one show some power but that doesn't make it any better if the weak one is fighting with the stronger one. Because that bitching thing, sure it's emotional, sure it hurts but you just fuck don't go in between by mixing some more emotions! You need rationality, calmness and talking, not fighting. Specially not with Una from what I have seen. She cannot hold it in even in normal state so what will it be when she gets mad... for sure I can tell that she won't take a note of what has been said.
 
So this will be interesting when she figures out that our teacher wants us in the class. She's gonna go ballistic. And I feel like she's also the back stabbing bitch type... so she knows that my life has been a mess. She told me about one time she had a panic attack and I told her a simplified version about my ed. I mean it's not a secret that I've had one, it's not a secret that I have a bad relationship with my mom and well, I don't really mind if it gets out. Here's also another girl that I heard to overcome anorexia so I'm not alone and that just shows people how low being she is if she uses it like that. Because I'm not going to go that low, ever. Preparing for the worst again. And sorry about this super long drama rant.

Other new besides exchange drama... eating/training ratio is doing quite ok. I also ctached a lot of my thoughts yesterday by writing. For the first time in ages I was able to note that I still think for other people. I reflect my own thoughts through them and I think nasty things, I put them in their head and say that they're acting like that because I'm like this and this. I don't know that, I cannot know that. But at least it makes more sense to the things I'm feeling at the moment. That's my way to adapt and try to find my place - this is why I like more collectivistic cultures, if I had grown in one like that this kind of thing would be so simple. I would have the ready made rules for how to behave and address certain people, what is my place in relation to others and how I am expected to behave. Here with people from west and individualistic cultures, I don't have that. I need to puzzle it and I need to know who I am in order to cope with people and interact. Every relation is unique and there's only guide lines how to do it. Rest I need to figure out.

By far I know that my friends back at home are great, they love me BUT I was puzzling with this same thing because I didn't know if I'm imagining it all. Only now that I left I know I wasn't... they're there even though I'm away. They support me, now I know how a family is supposed to be and what your mother should do. It was a great relief when they heard that I'm kicked out of social benefit system and I know I have homes to go in, they won't let me to stay on the street because they know I'd feel bad at mom's. I'd die, become really sick again and I could not take it. This is also a great thread to my decision to talk about past years with my parents - my main motivation was that I can do it because I'm not dependent on them in any way. Now I can't.

Anyway I'm doing the same thing in here with people as I did back at home. Not trusting to many of them, imagining what they think and keeping distance. Well, I want to stay out of the drama so it's better to have the distance... I don't know if I will get a great new friend from any of them but I find myself having better feelings outside of the group. When I'm doing something with the zumba people here, so better go there... even though I take these thoughts with me even there. But I recognize them more easy there than here. Like in charity zumba last weekend. I did four songs (first time doing zumba on the sand bare footed - and boy that makes it hard) and messed up couple of times. Not bad just mixing choreos and that happens to everyone and it's normal, I should know that. But after I was done I participated in other's songs in half tempo because I was so worried that I'll look like an idiot (yea, I know I probably looked like more idiotic when I didn't do it properly) and I kept thinking that K must hate me for messing that up because she's so amazing... again like O.o WtF are you thinking girl? So here I am, doing charity zumba for Burmese kids who enjoy their one special day on the beach and I find something this negative to reflect on myself? I was the fucking first instructor to start so here I was, standing on the beach and jumping alone to the music while people are watchig, I should be proud because that's not an easy thing to do when you're not sure of yourself. But I did it. I started and I screamed people to join in... I never do that, I'm the quietest girl in the corner who doesn't talk if you don't answer. But I just beat myself up because of couple mistakes that nobody noticed. It's sad how my head works...

I just started recording my doings the day before yesterday and hopefully I'll keep doing it more than those two weeks. At least I try.

So 26th
Breakfast: half a mango, banana and yogurt with granola +340 +coffee
Lunch: School lunch some fried veggies, chicken curry & rice + 350
Dinner:... oops... ^^ 10 slices bread... 4 slices with ham & cheese and 6 with peanut butter +700-900

Exercise: Pilates 20min, Hi-Impact and FitFight -800?

Ratio> In 1400-1700, Out 800> 600-900 remaining. So not my best but still not bad in the way that I should go to shoot myself. Too many carbs though.

27th
Breakfast: Chibata with ham & cheese + coffee +300
Lunch: Yogurt with mango & banana + 250
Dinner: 4 slices cereal bread with ham, cheese & cucumber +600

Exercise: Biking 45 min, walk/run 20min -400

Ratio > In 1150, out 400 > 750 remaining... and still too much carbs.

And this is funny, next time when I go Mc I just imagine eating a yoga mat!

Sam: Tough peanut butter jar, definitely! Hahaha... you always get me laugh, what makes me hot because I'm Finnish? This one I want to hear because Finnish women usually get mixed up with gyus because we're so masculine (at least from the west, like me). There's actually a saying that "If you need a strong man to do something, you can always ask from a Finnish woman!" Una... surely the cute/nice bitch and so is Nam and because there's two of them rest of us are in trouble.

Kate: trying to keep it up... or rather pick it back up. But soing it xD