Seriously?

Situations again and my hands are full of work and last two weeks I've been falling back with my training, not good. Not good, I'm not happy with myself at the moment... but not a total hazard yet, just a little thunderstorm with myself. First of all, I'm lost because the lack of recording. It's like I'm missing the picture of what I've done and it's hard to analyze... and here it come's the self-blame; why did I let this happen? Again? Well, at least I'm picking myself up faster than before.  Think positive, think positive, think positive...

I know I've been doing ok. It's just that now that I question it, have a moment of doubt and I'm looking for something to boost my confidence - I don't have it because I haven't recorded it. And then I go to this loop where I ask from myself why do I need that? Am I dwelling into something dangerous? Is it just good that I don't have those records written down because I would either way feel that it's not enough and point to every single mistake, would I? Maybe, maybe not. But the thing is that I cannot motivate myself effectively if I don't have something visual to put in front of my visual mind. And I hate to start "again", well it's not again, again... just keeping the records of what I do "again".

Also I did two weeks of super training and now last week and this week so far has been a struggle. One reason is the gym. They change their schedule every week quite drastically and it really sucks when you cannot create a routine and that causes stress because I question all the time if I'm doing enough and right.
   The other reason is school, it's really hard to balance this because of the gym and when we have group projects with the Thai students and our schedules are a mess. And when all my classes are in the afternoon - that kills me. And even though I suck with routines this is so frustrating because I want to know something about my schedules ahead.

Also one thing causing me stress is money, again it's money and it's not even my fault. It's the Finnish government office that gives us a certain amount of money per month because we study (of course there's limits on how many months you can get it and how much depending on how much you have other income - and that's the fucking reason why everyone thinks that Finnish students are so rich, wrong let me tell you. That ties you down to a loop where you can't make much money and you'll be stuck to living with the cheapest things you can get). But anyway, they wanted this explanation why I'm still staying aboard, I gave them one but they never got it. I don't know why... and now the outcome is that they kicked me out from the Finnish social benefit system and simply put that means I cannot get any of that money I'm supposed to have because I study.

I have enough that I can live through the semester here in Thailand but what to do after that, I don't know. I have nothing when I go to Finland, not for apartment, not for food, not for anything. And the things I wrote earlier about getting clean with my parents are now wrecked because of this... I'm not telling anything as long as there's a possibility that I need to ask them something more than once or twice during the following year. So I don't know I just feel a little... numb, wrecked, stupid, betrayed, hurt, sad, scared... this isn't supposed to happen. 

Even so, a lot of good things is also going on. In our social psychology we have amazing projects to do, we go to help local people, we do real stuff for charity and that's more than I could ever hope for. I love helping people and despite my situation, I'm so in. I got also one own project in here to help one local child care organization by doing a charity zumba... and this is really going to happen. We're pulling this together and doing it in the end of March. I really can't believe I am the one putting this up... and other exchange students seem to be eager to join too, that's good. I was kinda worried because I haven't been with them that much to avoid the drama. And as I've been noticing it's a good thing I did. I'm seeing and hearing things and I'm so happy I'm not part of it because I sense that this is going to be complicated for some people. Main characters here are Una, Ina and Nam that can create something explosive.
   Una is much like Maya, she graves attention, can't shut her mouth and is really mean to people while she's trying to "joke". She get jealous and asks stupid questions and saying really stupid things in order to get the attention back to herself. She's roomie for Ina and she treats her really bad, she's mean and says things that make Ina seem stupid. But at the same time Una is really sweet and goes around hugging people - it's up and down with her. She either loves you so much that she can't keep her hands off you or she ignores you totally. She ignores me because I'm not giving her the attention at all. She don't know what to say to me and she says that I'm antisocial - make me laugh. I'm different but not antisocial.
   Ina on the other hand has really strong Christian view in her life. She's so concerned to be good that she's afraid to say something to Una, who's hurting her because Una thinks it's her job to "educate" Ina to be something else. So Ina is really calm and take it all persona, I like her but I don't feel like butting in the Nam does. Nam is the one who goes around also talking non-stop and I don't really know what to think about her. She's asking hell a lot of questions and I mean personal questions... I don't know her motives and I have said her things that makes her clearly think that I trust her and she also comes to me a lot with her emotions because I'm out side of the drama. But really there's something about her, the way she is so know it all and she has a direction, she says what she thinks and can come across as aggressive. Also she's the type who likes shopping expensive clothes... and well somehow she's a mess. Like I really don't know what to think about her, she's nice and respectful but I don't trust that to be the whole story and her true face. So I just stay out of it. Better like that, I have my own things to do and... well now I have to say that my roomie (she's truly the best and easiest person to live with ever) got really upset when I told her that Una thinks that I'm unsocial. She couldn't stop laughing.

But yea, I need to get back to my routine of writing because I'm going crazy here if I won't. Thank you for your comments girls, I'll make time to reply to them properly on my next post because you're important <3 nbsp="">