9th
December
I promised
a little better post about my China experiences, about what went wrong and
where, why I’m still fat and what did I realize.
I wrote
here something about Maya and when my VNP stopped working so that I could get
in here the situation with her got really bad. I turned to food because I
couldn’t say it to her, I had no one to say it to – except my friends in
Finland and I don’t want to write them this shit too much and too often because
it’s so hard to read something from your friend who’s on the other side of the
world.
But really I couldn’t tell it to her how I
felt, how she made my air thinner and thinner, I felt anxious, tied up and like
in prison around her. And she wanted to be with me, all the time. The only
problem was that she was so stupid; she has no situation understanding, and she
just can’t shut her big fat mouth. She has been insulting me many times and she
was driving me crazy by complaining about food, weight and her size all the
time… making me feel awkward because I never knew what to say. And when being
with her, watching her actions and realising that she didn’t change anything
that went in to her mouth and still she was borrowing my scale and telling me
all the time how much she had lost. Making me feel really bad, because that seemed
to be impossible to me. I was just getting fatter – and right now I don’t know
how much I weigh but I’m working hard to figure this out. It could be some
hormonal thing because that just doesn’t make sense if I eat 1000 calories and
burn 600 and after four days I’ve gained two pounds. That’s fucking impossible
and at that time I also moderated my sugary drinks to minimum and had my coffee
black. So you can imagine how crazy Maya made me.
Not only that she said some really mean
things like when I go back to Finland I’ll change my major and become a Swedish
teacher – well this is something many people have a problem with. It general
attitude because everyone in Finland has to read Swedish and that makes the
general attitude so bad that Swedish as a language and compulsory language
equals to swearing. I understand that and I think that there’s some problems
with the system it’s done compulsory and that you could make differently to
ease the pressure. But still it doesn’t make it right what Maya said to me “Well,
it’s just a Swedish teacher, I mean I could easily give up the place!” I was so
shocked that I couldn’t say a thing. You have any idea how long I’ve waited for
this opportunity and how much I want that?
Furthermore I had said something, she’d have
been SO angry because she just can’t understand it. And she has better contacts
with people so she’d be crying to them… and I’d become the horrible person and
I just don’t want to deal with that kind of drama when everyone is an adult,
over 20 and they should know how to behave and deal with things.
She also talked for me, when someone asked
something from me, she answered. Like I’d been air… like I didn’t exist and
that made me also confused every time that happened. I didn’t know what to say.
But then I realized that Maya collects people, they’re all hers in a gallery
with glass windows where she puts them on display so that she can show everyone
how great she is to have these persons in her collection. And collection cannot
interact with each other or outside the collection… she was so jealous when she
realised that I’m good friend with Zhu. And this happened once in a karaoke bar
where I was fooling around with one Japanese girl who was also in her
collection. We were dancing, off beat, brushed to laugh and Maya came to take
that girl first dancing about five steps, then sitting on a couch with her and
then she put her head on the girls shoulder and looked at me like “see, this is
my property!” I just couldn’t believe that someone does that.
Then Zhu,
as it turned out I was the only one she talked to. And she was the only one I
talked to, for real I mean. A friend like her is a lottery win. Oh, and the
love I mentioned earlier she had found – they’re getting married! I’m so happy
for her.
But to have someone like her in here, at 11
pm we go to have milkshake in McDonald’s because another needs to talk, we sat
5 hours in café without even looking at the clock and I honestly thought that
we had been there 2 hours top. And it all started after that night when we
realized that Maya annoys someone else too.
Then there’s
E a girl also who has a really bad need to get 5 from everything. She demands
constant attention in the class to show her activity and she’s taking all the
extra things to do – and she doesn’t do them well. Not at all. All the
information goes through her and first she tells it to people who are her
friends, then the ones she likes, then ones she doesn’t like that much and
those she wish to disappear she doesn’t tell it at all.
Then there is the case with stipend money
that made my life really complicated. E had promised to open a Chinese bank account
for the money and she did. Then we needed to sign that it was ok for her to
collect the money there and then give it to us. At this time Zhu thought that
she’s not going to take the money because she knew that she’s not getting all
the courses so she didn’t sign. And that insulted E because she was mad to Zhu
about something that had happened during the first day (They were both asked to
write a speech for opening ceremony but only Zhu was called to give it). So
again E felt insulted. And the problem was ready when the office called Zhu to
come in and sign the paper and get the money.
So when the money came the information went
through the same flukes. First friends and I had heard about it before, but not
really clearly or well so I wasn’t sure that the money had come. And of course
I thought that E would inform it to everyone… but I got mine by accident when I
heard that one boy asked about it and day later when I signed the paper I saw
that almost everyone got the money before me. Zhu woke up few days later and
asked E about the money, situation was just before class and E felt like Zhu
accused her trying to keep her money… which is interesting because I heard that
conversation. Zhu was totally normal, careful and kind as always when she does
stuff like that. But E misread her.
Later that day after class Zhu called E if
she could come to get the money and E was friendly over the phone and just like
ok, come come. But when Zhu came two minutes later E went crazy, yelling at her
and she couldn’t say anything in between. Of course Zhu got annoyed also and said
some things just over her but finally when E stopped she just told Zhu to sign,
get the money and go to hell.
I’m friend
with both of them, and after this has happened Zhu called me. Ironically my
phone was out of money and China that means that you can’t even take incoming
calls. So she called Maya, who was with me… which tells me a lot about the
situation. How desperate and insulted she must be and also because her fiancé was
sitting right in front of her when she was speaking to me. I promised to come
there because her fiancé was about to leave to work. But then E texted me if I
could come to study with her. I thought that that would make some sense to the
story… how wrong can a girl be?
E came and didn’t mention a thing about what
had happened. I felt insulted because she looked so happy like nothing was
wrong and not even when I said that I’m going to eat with Zhu. You know after
going crazy you would think that you want to explain even something little to
the one person who’s in between you and the one who had a fight with. No
nothing. So after two hours I just left to see Zhu because I had heard from her
voice that she was about to cry. And when I called her she said that she had
fallen asleep… fine, what ever you want to make it, but I heard it.
Out come
with this one is that everyone fakes that nothing happened. But it affects on
everyone in that building… there’s also E’s roommate, Sherry, she was on her
room when that happened and she heard it. Yesterday we were talking long and I
consider her to be my friend also but even though she horribly wants to me to
trust her as much as she trusts me, there’s a little problem from my side. She
thinks that my main problem is love that I haven’t found yet or that I think
that my mom doesn’t love me. Those were my problems few years ago… not anymore.
I don’t worry about finding an husband or having a family. Of course her
cultural back ground is so different that I can understand it why it’s
important to her to have a family before she turns to 25 but that’s not same
for me. I’m happy living on my own and being independent. Every woman needs
love and attention, sure they do but if you’re broken and love hurts you only
because it feels so good and you feel that you don’t deserve it – at the moment
my friends love is all I can handle. But it’s ok, she has been dating a month
and a half and she’s so in love that she thinks that boyfriend is answer to
everything.
What’s the
big realization? I don’t know… You go
around saying that you’re ok, you had an eating disordea… what is it again you’re
doing today? Skipping lunch? Few months ago it was true but now it definitely
is here again. Just yesterday I lied to Sherry that I had huge breakfast
and as we went to KFC for lunch I was able to make it through with only a
little food.
I still am better than I was before, few
years ago I mean. But I’m so fucking scared to go to Thailand, to go my
godfather’s place there, see my stepmom and everything. Last time it made me
crazy, and the time before that, this all got even worse when I was 13 and
heard my dad calling me fat. And at the time I was European size 38… totally
not fat. But it happened, in Thailand, in my godfather’s place and it was
Christmas. Now I am fat for real and I’m going there again, for Christmas… and
there’s something wrong because this killer dieting doesn’t even work and my
body is threatening the physic laws. I feel like I’m emotionally too vague to
go there and to deal with these memories.
Also there’s some practical problems with my
hotel room – yes, I ran away from the university to get fresh air. But when I
came I had paid it already and they just couldn’t find my reservation… now the
website has confirmed that it’s here and showing, but the thing is I also paid
with cash because they didn’t find it and now I’m trying to figure out what to
do so that I don’t pay double. And the little voice in my head is saying that
then I cannot eat. That this is a perfect opportunity… FUCK.
Bubblemilktea
x3
Oatmeal
with soypowder 370
3 mini-mandarins
**** 10th
2 Latte
Oatmeal
with soypowder 300
1
mini-mandarine
1 dragon fruit
I go around
looking for the next café and trying to ignore the fact that there’s a problem.
I have a real problem, a money issue and it’s boiling over. I cannot handle it…
I just feel like I’m going to die in the
street, in China, how sad is that? Or maybe not in China, because either
way I got the flight ticket out of here.
I
booked a hotel room, I paid it with credit card, I came on time, they didn’t
find it and I had to pay it again with cash. Now the site is accusing me to be
a liar and saying that they checked from the hotel that they didn’t charge me
anything. Why I have a recipe in my hands holding the same amount of money,
they are trying to pull from my credit card? Did I imagine it all or what?
The day before yesterday I was a mess, the
day before that I was even worse mess – thoughts all over the place, shaking
and dropping everything I had in my hands, the day before that I was fucking
anxious and yesterday I was anxious again. I nearly started crying while
shopping because I just couldn’t make a decision about Christmas presents or my
bag, or find fitting shoes (European 40-41, so screw that in here!)
**** 11th
Oat meal with
soypwder + 2 lattes + 2/3 apple + blueberry yogurt
Today the
wind nearly blew me of escalators; the world was spinning in the shower, metro
made me sick and 150 ml alcohol is making me drunk.
Where’s my stamina? What happened, it’s just
three days and I’m near the point when you think you’ll pass out. This wasn’t
this hard before… just keep going, keep going. You haven’t even been exercising
that much, there’s nothing wrong. Just keep going.
Inside I’m
scared the Friday when Zhu comes back from the country side. She’ll notice if
we’re eating together. She’ll notice and I don’t know what she’ll do.
**** 12th
Oh! Fuck,
my weight is totally the same. Above (one
freaking pound) that hideous number I swore to universe it would never go
to unless I’m pregnant and obviously I’m not. I’m fixing this because now I’m
obviously fat and failed… or was. Not anymore, because I’m doing something
which means I didn’t give up.
My dad isn’t going to call me fat this time.
My godfather isn’t going
to call me fat this time.
My mom won’t call me fat ever again. (or insult me
offering her “left tiny clothes”)
People in Thailand aren’t going to wonder ever
again how I became this fat when my dad
is so small. (Thanks mom, I love your genes for ruining my supermodel career I
never wanted!!)
By this
time I’ve learned to hate this hotel, there’s never quiet or peaceful and I
hate the way staff looks at me when I walk in and out. I’m so done with China,
problems and everything in here. Friends who’re not your friends; it’s weird
how people need to ask “can you be my friend?” and then when you need help,
they won’t help you. I’m done with being an animal in the cabinet for show… I
want to blend in. But that’s impossible – sooo… get your dark shit together,
make a mask and walk around with attitude and be like “fuck! Want to stare at
me, then stare! I’ll give you something to stare at!” My attitude is really horrible right now but who cares.
...finally I got the VNP working! So that I can put this here... I've been able to read but not able to post. Weird...
LATER
oatmeal with soypowder 300
2/3 apple
2 lattes
and 4 song work out (focus on one body part/ song) - not enough, I could have done more because I didn't faint.
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