Deep thoughts and complains

Wow, things are doing well.
Few days ago I met nice Chinese girls, they just started to speak with me which was really cool. With one of them I signed up for a hiphop class and they're actually wanting to do things with me. Not in the way that I feel burden or some weird animal that they're walking in leach and try to figure out something to talk about. So they're nice... and one of the girls let's call her Quin, she has one of the most amazing singing voices I've ever heard. It's so "dirty" and rough that most of the Chinese would say it's not the prettiest, but I really love it. I you know Björk, or band called Harmi I think it's quite near to those. And it just makes you chill.
   Quin wanted to sing for me and we were just walking and slow, she was singing and it was so beautiful moment. That's one reason I like Quin so much, she wants to analyze things, see the beauty of something so simple as the sound of fallen leaves (I love that). It's hard to find someone like that, someone who has big dreams (and likes to dream), specially about moving away and travelling and who's not so focused on her studies, textbooks and what people say and do.

Not only that, there was something going on last night that made me so happy. Zhu, right now I just want to scream that I knew it. I knew that we have common things, shitty life behind and we could understand each other. All it needed was the right time and place.
   Yesterday I asked her to have a dinner with me. Maya is in Shanghai, so no anyone hanging on to you like it's your responsibility. Things started quite smoothly from normal subjects what has been going on. And then it just escalated on what annoys us and Maya... we were talking about her about two hours! Don't get me wrong, we both like her in certain situations but there's just moments when you're like "you just DIDN'T say that!" and you want to start to yell at her to go to the trash can and get some life experience, take the rocky road for a change to get away from that 15 year old world.
   I don't remember if I have said that Zhu has now a Chinese boyfriend and that's the reason she never came with us anywhere. But when this was officially known, Maya went to eat with Zhu and created really awkward scene - two days after these two had started dating! - asking how had they met (she's living in same dorm, seeing them to come and go together), what were they about to do in December (not her business!), how was it to have a Chinese boyfriend, that first Maya had thought to have a Chinese boyfriend but that then she couldn't date Chinese and that she'd like to have maybe Brittish...
   I can believe Zhu about the awkwardness of this situation. Maya is not a person who has any right to ask these questions from Zhu. Only reason she'd do that is because she want's to be the person who k-n-o-w-s. You know, the one who can be the main gossiper saying "I have information..." and turn the spotlight to herself.
   It's so hurtful to be around her sometimes because she had this life smoothed from every part, or at least she has a huge need to tell everyone how perfect that is. Before I didn't know what Shou-nu ment when she said to me that it's not nice to be around perfect people. Now I know.

Also other things that I've been thinking about lately is that I really need to tell my parents that I have an ed. Because in here I cannot hide behind my manners, here all those things are challenged which is what I came to look for. I just have an distraction called Maya here... but anyway. I saw this whole picture in a new way. How I stand in my own way and refuse myself to do what I really want because I'm something "too fat, too this and too little that". I stop before I even start and give up saying that I can't - things that I say other people do, but that I'm happy and always pushing myself ahead. Ahead to what? Suicide.
   I need to give up on this thought that I cannot do good, that I'm meant to be miserable.
   How I use huge capacity to "being sick and hiding it". Actually I really want to help others because I don't want to just forget these painful breaths like would mean nothing. I want to help with my own face and my own name, not anonymously through some website where I can't even hug anyone for real. The main reason I cannot do this is because my parents doesn't know and I try to keep them apart from this. Before I was afraid that I'd loose them, now I know that it really doesn't matter what they say. Their reaction is not my responsibility. But for me it's a big thing because after that I'm free to say and do what ever I want. So I'm also weighing myself down.

But when this all will happen, is another thing. Now I need to go... museum, Saturday and some friends waiting.
Have a lovely day!