Didn't really know what I wanted to do with this one but I think I'm still gonna keep this. I have now a public blog too but I've been missing the easiness to write here. I've missed you and your comments - and I can tell you many big things now. How did the last drops of my life changed to get me where I am now. Where am I, then? On the other side, in the happy place. You know what I mean - and yes, there was times when even I said recovery is impossible.
"But how... like how do you survive from something like that?" the red hair tightly tied up in two perky pigtails. Ai, the redhead I owed big time favor asked. I looked out from the window at the time, birches were moving along the gentle wind while the evening sun was casting beams on their newlycoming leaves, I had no idea what to answer. Something about people around me. Luck. Faith. Will. Creativity. I wasn't that strong, I made myself strong. Yet, somehow I had an idea where I was going even though I was completely clueless where I was, which way to go and where I should even go to.
Later while looking at my coffee cup, I remember what Yo said to me in China. "You're so amazing Tat, you know most people do survive because they don't want to die. That's because you have two options, you either die or then you survive and if you don't want to die... well then you don't have an option." He was more than right about that. Most people do survive just because they want to live.
Bitter milky taste in my mouth and I think again what Ai knows which is basically everything. I don't think I've been able to talk abut this with too any people like this. Zhu yes, but even then my heart was racing so fast that it would have won even a cheetah. Not this time. Sure I got surprised by some questions but not in the way that I would have wanted to ran away.
Listening the rain and birds this morning I go through things in my head again. I should write an essay but this seems to be more important. I listen to the happy birds thinking how privileged I am because I have time to hear them. I keep recalling how it all happened, how one little hug can change the lives of three people to the better. It was class-after moment when I walked out of the door with Diz. She saw a redhead sitting by the table and ran to hug her. I had a moment where I figured that I had spoken to this red head just before Christmas and then she had disappeared. I had seen her before too but then she always disappeared and every time I had thought that she had died or something. Me and Diz stayed for a while, I heard bits from a story that is not mine to tell but I got her hooked up by Facebook and told her the "me too". One hug and it wasn't even my hug, still as an exchange from listening I got a story of a life I wish to see in paper some day. Days went on, I was making time to stay there to talk, to share my story and while the ice was melting away from the pathways I used frequently I kept thinking how crazy this all seemed. One hug from Diz and this redhead tells me, a person she has smiled and spoken three words before Christmas, what hurts and I reply with same magnitude. This is not what I expected when I got up in that morning in Feb-March.
Akai, that's the only suitable name for her and when the days and weeks went on, I found out that Ai knew too. Every Wednesday I saw the light behind Akai's eyes when Ai arrived. I noticed how much she waited for it and how her smile lifted up two inches. I have to say that I felt the ease, I wasn't the only one helping her. But I also felt guilty for being there, talking to them and not to Suna... that was my wake up call. Akai had every reason to be sad, miserable and she could have spread that around on people if she wanted. She could have. But she never did - and still doesn't. Instead she has an ability to make others smile no matter how low she is. That night when I was walking home from the usual Tuesday-Wednesday meeting we had, I messaged to Suna that I was so happy that I had a possibility to help someone like that. Her reply was like a cup cake with jealousy-green topping. That's how it has been lately, that day in the dark I wanted to throw the phone right on the ice covering the road I was walking on. I hated this. I hated every fucking piece of what this had come to. I cried to her that I'm tired and that I don't know how to handle thing, how can I survive with everything - words I didn't dare to say anyone else. She told me I would survive. Because I was strong... and she was weak, having nothing in her life, nothing was good and... that night I looked out of the window eyes watering and blank expression. I didn't want to believe it, I had to fight this, just a little more, just a little more and it had to be over some day. Suna had to cheer up, find the meaning of her life because I was trying so hard. Because I had let her way too close and now leaving would be way too painful. I was stuck. There looking in the dark I suddenly understood why people get hooked up with violent relationships. But she had to cheer up, she had to... it was painful to realize that a woman with all the reasons to give didn't give up and took steps forward because she wanted to - and I had on my hands a lady who had no reason to be like that but she didn't want to let go of the negativity.
I refused to let go. To believe how much it was consuming my energy and what I was doing to myself to keep it all out. To fight against it to save her and to keep going. Cries, inner screams and the pain of knowing that I couldn't keep this up forever but that I really had no place to run to. I was unable to tell anyone because then, I should have also told them how close I had let her and there I had also the feeling that I would have discounted the value of my friends. I knew they wouldn't understand and I was scared that I would end up in the situation where I had to explain Suna's behavior and why I had to tolerate it to some extent... and that would have side lined the feelings I had. I masked it with activities. Two degrees and four jobs, no time, no time, no time. How convenient excuse. I tried to avoid my feelings and the moment when I have to say to her that she makes me feel bad.
"That sounds quite a lot, make sure it you won't over do it!" Ai said to me when the weights were banging back to the store room. Couple of weeks ago we had sat down and I had promised to make her a program since I was about to become a personal trainer and I needed test bunnies to train with.
"Yea, I'm fine!" I smiled. I had a plan to work 14 hours a day and then on top of that write essays. The same answer I had give to many others two weeks in a row. "I'm not stressing about it and I still sleep and eat well, so nothing to worry about!"
"But still... just be careful!" Something hit me there. The way this redhead said it.
Later that night I wrote to her that yea... doesn't that mean that when it shows on my plate and my sleep it has gotten already over? The mistake has done already? Two weeks after that I had given up on two jobs, my body decided to shut down as an response to the reduced stress. There I was, crying to my morning coffee just because I had no memory when I had smelled it last time. Finally admitting that I was actually quite mad to the people around me. "Tat, the superwoman! You can handle it, don't doupt it" especially Suna who's so caught up with herself right now that she's not hearing me at all. She was saying it's hard when she gets only messages but that's not an excuse. I said it to her and she was unable to help. I feel betrayed, disappointed and stupid. Just plain hurt. Of course it's not entirely her fault. I should have said sooner and not to hide behind things to do. But don't get me wrong, I don't hate her... rather I'm sad for her and the way things are turning out between us. I can't trust her ability to help me anymore. That's the magic realization I had to have and also that I'm not able to do anything more than I have done now. I have put here my body and my soul to help her and if that's not enough, I have nothing more to give. If I have to go, I go with heavy heart but I'm gonna be ok in the end.
Well, she has done some changes now, she tries but still I can't shake of the feeling that I was used, I can't trust her to pick me up when I'm down, I cannot trust her to help when I need it and I also feel locked because I'm the only one who knows what's going on with her and can support her. And she's playing martyr quite a bit, she's jealous that I have other people around... she can't really help it though. I know that all of you who got depression do know what I'm talking about. She can't help it and that jealousy comes rather from the depressed thinking, negativity because she lives through the things she don't have and the things she isn't.
She's trying, she has made some little changes like checked her diet, accepted advice from me with that... and she has lost some weight but she's not listening much else. It's always "I don't know, I can't, I don't know how, I won't... because it's me and my life is mean to suck". It might be that I don't get her because she expresses things differently from me but it is still consuming me. It's like a reversed narcissism; they think they're best and loved by everyone, just plain perfect. Suna thinks she's the cause of everything and the bad influence to everyone. To me this is hard... try to prove her wrong while she's taking all the energy you have.
I did see my light getting weaker bit by bit. I tried to hide it behind the rush to the point where I had two schools and four jobs to survive with. I was unable to talk about it, nor there was pretty much no one who knew how to listen. When I tried to tell Yuki, Sheng or even Bei (to my surprise she took it the best) I ended up in a situtation where I explained why it was ok to her to act like that for now. Bei was the only one who got the point that I feel bad but I want to help. But she didn't tell me to stop either. No one did at the time. "It's Tat, she can handle it!" the great wonder woman who can rock everything.
Guess what.
I'm not.
Aya wondered later how come they didn't dare to say to me because I am the kind of person to who you dare to say things like that. She was too busy with herself, doing the same thing as I was. Being too busy and that backfired on her too. True soul sisters, going down the same path every time at the same time. Same troubles and same fights.
But now I'm ok, Better than ages... sometimes this all feels like so far away and yet so close. What did I learn from it? That it doesn't matter how much you love someone and try to leave the negativity out - in the end it will get to you. I've noticed many things I kinda stopped doing because of her. Not to speak about the things I did in order to push that away and to be with her. I have to take a step back, no matter what. And all of this and by this day so much more I owe to these two red heads who came to my life just at the right moment.
"But how... like how do you survive from something like that?" the red hair tightly tied up in two perky pigtails. Ai, the redhead I owed big time favor asked. I looked out from the window at the time, birches were moving along the gentle wind while the evening sun was casting beams on their newlycoming leaves, I had no idea what to answer. Something about people around me. Luck. Faith. Will. Creativity. I wasn't that strong, I made myself strong. Yet, somehow I had an idea where I was going even though I was completely clueless where I was, which way to go and where I should even go to.
Later while looking at my coffee cup, I remember what Yo said to me in China. "You're so amazing Tat, you know most people do survive because they don't want to die. That's because you have two options, you either die or then you survive and if you don't want to die... well then you don't have an option." He was more than right about that. Most people do survive just because they want to live.
Bitter milky taste in my mouth and I think again what Ai knows which is basically everything. I don't think I've been able to talk abut this with too any people like this. Zhu yes, but even then my heart was racing so fast that it would have won even a cheetah. Not this time. Sure I got surprised by some questions but not in the way that I would have wanted to ran away.
Listening the rain and birds this morning I go through things in my head again. I should write an essay but this seems to be more important. I listen to the happy birds thinking how privileged I am because I have time to hear them. I keep recalling how it all happened, how one little hug can change the lives of three people to the better. It was class-after moment when I walked out of the door with Diz. She saw a redhead sitting by the table and ran to hug her. I had a moment where I figured that I had spoken to this red head just before Christmas and then she had disappeared. I had seen her before too but then she always disappeared and every time I had thought that she had died or something. Me and Diz stayed for a while, I heard bits from a story that is not mine to tell but I got her hooked up by Facebook and told her the "me too". One hug and it wasn't even my hug, still as an exchange from listening I got a story of a life I wish to see in paper some day. Days went on, I was making time to stay there to talk, to share my story and while the ice was melting away from the pathways I used frequently I kept thinking how crazy this all seemed. One hug from Diz and this redhead tells me, a person she has smiled and spoken three words before Christmas, what hurts and I reply with same magnitude. This is not what I expected when I got up in that morning in Feb-March.
Akai, that's the only suitable name for her and when the days and weeks went on, I found out that Ai knew too. Every Wednesday I saw the light behind Akai's eyes when Ai arrived. I noticed how much she waited for it and how her smile lifted up two inches. I have to say that I felt the ease, I wasn't the only one helping her. But I also felt guilty for being there, talking to them and not to Suna... that was my wake up call. Akai had every reason to be sad, miserable and she could have spread that around on people if she wanted. She could have. But she never did - and still doesn't. Instead she has an ability to make others smile no matter how low she is. That night when I was walking home from the usual Tuesday-Wednesday meeting we had, I messaged to Suna that I was so happy that I had a possibility to help someone like that. Her reply was like a cup cake with jealousy-green topping. That's how it has been lately, that day in the dark I wanted to throw the phone right on the ice covering the road I was walking on. I hated this. I hated every fucking piece of what this had come to. I cried to her that I'm tired and that I don't know how to handle thing, how can I survive with everything - words I didn't dare to say anyone else. She told me I would survive. Because I was strong... and she was weak, having nothing in her life, nothing was good and... that night I looked out of the window eyes watering and blank expression. I didn't want to believe it, I had to fight this, just a little more, just a little more and it had to be over some day. Suna had to cheer up, find the meaning of her life because I was trying so hard. Because I had let her way too close and now leaving would be way too painful. I was stuck. There looking in the dark I suddenly understood why people get hooked up with violent relationships. But she had to cheer up, she had to... it was painful to realize that a woman with all the reasons to give didn't give up and took steps forward because she wanted to - and I had on my hands a lady who had no reason to be like that but she didn't want to let go of the negativity.
I refused to let go. To believe how much it was consuming my energy and what I was doing to myself to keep it all out. To fight against it to save her and to keep going. Cries, inner screams and the pain of knowing that I couldn't keep this up forever but that I really had no place to run to. I was unable to tell anyone because then, I should have also told them how close I had let her and there I had also the feeling that I would have discounted the value of my friends. I knew they wouldn't understand and I was scared that I would end up in the situation where I had to explain Suna's behavior and why I had to tolerate it to some extent... and that would have side lined the feelings I had. I masked it with activities. Two degrees and four jobs, no time, no time, no time. How convenient excuse. I tried to avoid my feelings and the moment when I have to say to her that she makes me feel bad.
"That sounds quite a lot, make sure it you won't over do it!" Ai said to me when the weights were banging back to the store room. Couple of weeks ago we had sat down and I had promised to make her a program since I was about to become a personal trainer and I needed test bunnies to train with.
"Yea, I'm fine!" I smiled. I had a plan to work 14 hours a day and then on top of that write essays. The same answer I had give to many others two weeks in a row. "I'm not stressing about it and I still sleep and eat well, so nothing to worry about!"
"But still... just be careful!" Something hit me there. The way this redhead said it.
Later that night I wrote to her that yea... doesn't that mean that when it shows on my plate and my sleep it has gotten already over? The mistake has done already? Two weeks after that I had given up on two jobs, my body decided to shut down as an response to the reduced stress. There I was, crying to my morning coffee just because I had no memory when I had smelled it last time. Finally admitting that I was actually quite mad to the people around me. "Tat, the superwoman! You can handle it, don't doupt it" especially Suna who's so caught up with herself right now that she's not hearing me at all. She was saying it's hard when she gets only messages but that's not an excuse. I said it to her and she was unable to help. I feel betrayed, disappointed and stupid. Just plain hurt. Of course it's not entirely her fault. I should have said sooner and not to hide behind things to do. But don't get me wrong, I don't hate her... rather I'm sad for her and the way things are turning out between us. I can't trust her ability to help me anymore. That's the magic realization I had to have and also that I'm not able to do anything more than I have done now. I have put here my body and my soul to help her and if that's not enough, I have nothing more to give. If I have to go, I go with heavy heart but I'm gonna be ok in the end.
Well, she has done some changes now, she tries but still I can't shake of the feeling that I was used, I can't trust her to pick me up when I'm down, I cannot trust her to help when I need it and I also feel locked because I'm the only one who knows what's going on with her and can support her. And she's playing martyr quite a bit, she's jealous that I have other people around... she can't really help it though. I know that all of you who got depression do know what I'm talking about. She can't help it and that jealousy comes rather from the depressed thinking, negativity because she lives through the things she don't have and the things she isn't.
She's trying, she has made some little changes like checked her diet, accepted advice from me with that... and she has lost some weight but she's not listening much else. It's always "I don't know, I can't, I don't know how, I won't... because it's me and my life is mean to suck". It might be that I don't get her because she expresses things differently from me but it is still consuming me. It's like a reversed narcissism; they think they're best and loved by everyone, just plain perfect. Suna thinks she's the cause of everything and the bad influence to everyone. To me this is hard... try to prove her wrong while she's taking all the energy you have.
I did see my light getting weaker bit by bit. I tried to hide it behind the rush to the point where I had two schools and four jobs to survive with. I was unable to talk about it, nor there was pretty much no one who knew how to listen. When I tried to tell Yuki, Sheng or even Bei (to my surprise she took it the best) I ended up in a situtation where I explained why it was ok to her to act like that for now. Bei was the only one who got the point that I feel bad but I want to help. But she didn't tell me to stop either. No one did at the time. "It's Tat, she can handle it!" the great wonder woman who can rock everything.
Guess what.
I'm not.
Aya wondered later how come they didn't dare to say to me because I am the kind of person to who you dare to say things like that. She was too busy with herself, doing the same thing as I was. Being too busy and that backfired on her too. True soul sisters, going down the same path every time at the same time. Same troubles and same fights.
But now I'm ok, Better than ages... sometimes this all feels like so far away and yet so close. What did I learn from it? That it doesn't matter how much you love someone and try to leave the negativity out - in the end it will get to you. I've noticed many things I kinda stopped doing because of her. Not to speak about the things I did in order to push that away and to be with her. I have to take a step back, no matter what. And all of this and by this day so much more I owe to these two red heads who came to my life just at the right moment.
4 kommenttia:
this is a long post so i will tell you that i didn't read this all in one sitting.
i'm glad you are in a happy place, beautiful angel. xxx
your descriptions are beautiful. they really are. i always feel like i'm reading a story when i'm reading your blog posts. they are so different from everyone else's posts and it is so uniquely yours.
"I listen to the happy birds thinking how privileged I am because I have time to hear them." forget that. just the realisation that you can hear anything at all feels like a blessing sometimes, doesn't it? and then there's not only listening. there's seeing. there's breathing. there's moving. there's running. there's dancing. there are so many things that your little body can do. it's amazing somehow that all these abilities are compressed in this one human body.
"Akai had every reason to be sad, miserable and she could have spread that around on people if she wanted. She could have. But she never did - and still doesn't. Instead she has an ability to make others smile no matter how low she is." this is a gift, especially considering how much of a black hole depression is. it doesn't just suck that person is. usually other people around them too... it is a talent, a gift and a true representation of her beauty and kindness when it comes to someone that is so tainted by sadness to make others smile.
you cannot save or help everyone though, my love. there will always be someone. for me, she was this girl that didn't really think of me as a person. sometimes, when a situation is hard, you have to get out because you are just as important. i think i told you this, but i am not sure. the problem is i am afraid that Suna might be that black hole. when you are happy, she will take it away and make you confused about it. the sad thing is when you are very happy about something, she still might effect it. and it is not fair to you. it is not fair at all.
"I had a plan to work 14 hours a day and then on top of that write essays" that sounds like a bit of work. i hope you know what you are doing, my love. i trust you enough that you do. if you are sleeping and eating well, that is good. but i also hope that you are mentally alright with this amount of work xxx
the thing with Suna is that she doesn't see what she's doing. she doesn't. depression is again, very self-centered. she will think that she is the only person in the world with problems. she will be jealous at other people with problems. she will be guilty. she will go around in circles a lot. it will hurt her a lot, but it will hurt you too. unless she gets better, she will not see what she is doing. it is very reverse narcissism. she will think of things that have happened 10 years ago. she thinks that she is a wrong person. she will continue to think this way. she will not realise how helpful you are. every bit of advice you'd give her seems off.
the problem is we do expect you to read our minds and say specific things. this is the worst form of thinking because you will be disappointed if that person doesn't have the same exact thought processing. if you don't say those things that we want to hear, then we will be angry. or hurt. and we will feel validated to tell you off even if it is not validated at all. for me, i am so guilty when i am in a depressive episode that if i say something that someone could take as a wrong thing, i will start to cry. i am very selfless when i am depressed and less self-centered. i will not tell anyone anything unless they ask because to me, they have the problems and i do not. i am the opposite of Suna in that case.
i am very angry at that. it's Tat, she can handle it? you're only human after all. you had to go through a lot to end up where you are now. we are human. we break. we crumble. we fall. i am so sorry about this. :/
(continued)
i think the best way i can describe you and Suna is that she is drinking the poison, and you're trying to reason with the poison. she's so far gone into delirium it really doesn't matter what you say or do. it either has to go away on its own or she has to do something about it.
you owe it to yourself to get out. it is becoming toxic.
i love you so so much. i hope you're holding on on your own.
i hope nothing i have said has offended you or made you think otherwise. i am always tentative these days about posting comments. i never know what will make anyone angry or sad. <3 i hope you know i said all i did with the best intent, and as always, i comment as i am reading.
-Sam Lupin
Hey you! How I've missed seeing you. Things got so busy so let's keep emailing? I don't even know how we stopped!? At any rate, I miss that beautiful soul of yours and it makes me happy to read that you've realized some things and are in a better state of mind. It's hard to detach toxic people when there's a well of good inside of us. I love you! Talk soon?
Tat!! It's so good to see an update from you. I miss reading your posts. I'm wordless at the moment but had to leave you a little message before your post disappears from my news feed. Could you share your new blog link? If not I totally understand, I just love reading your writing.
Take care pretty lady *HUGS* <3
xxxx
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