First I saw the same kind of bright blue pants which could give you a electric shock. I thought wow, if it was her I don't know how not to pee in my pants because she's just too amazing to be here at the same grocery store. My eyes followed the line upward, noticed black-pink bag and that eager ponytail. It really was her, I was staring at a young woman who had just been instructing the dance class at uni I went to.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Isn't she too cool to be here? I didn't what she was taking from the shelf since she turned quickly for the scale to weigh it. She took two steps and her head turned to my way. The nice to see you smile came, I had nanosecond to think that she's just being polite, but then the expression exceeded that. She talked to me. She said hi with wide warm, happy to see you smile. I could have melted down to the floor because she's so amazing.
Luckily I didn't melt or freeze, what kind of awkward moment that would have been. Instead I smiled back and crapped two bananas. Hastily turning my eyes down because I didn't know how to proceed. That was a moment when I was happy to be in Finland since small talk would be easily avoided. I wanted to praise her but didn't know how. It was too sudden, I have to think.
I glanced her at the scale and took two steps to be next after her. She had a moment of freezing.
"Now that you came, I forgot the number!" She laughed. I laughed back that had forgotten mine too and looked at it quickly when she took the steps. I weighed mine and went away... smiling like I would have been drugged with something.
That's Diz for you. She's my favorite instructor at uni and I admire her ability to be present and to take in instructions. I was thinking to make some wishes for her just to talk with her... but after that I was thinking to make out a cute card to get that feeling to circulate. I was feeling so good after that the whole Tuesday night. She saw me with the kind of expression I believe she won't give to everyone. You know when you just have that feeling when you know that you want that someone to be your friend. Persons can be empowering or they can suck everything right out of you.
Week later I see her pass me with her bike to the same shop. We meet again, smile, fast hi in Finnish style. This time we won't forget any numbers, not startled like last time. Almost like it was meant to be and almost like we would have found something we were looking for. Like the secret meeting spot next to the green avocados and yellow bananas where you go to give a smile and get a smile.
Last week I went for a walk with Aya and we were talking about power of persons. We have a same goal, to delete all negative influences out which take more than they give. Be selfish for once. Just for us. We have a pack to keep each other safe in these crazy situations we tend to find ourselves from. Finally good news also which probably will make me feel less watched and I'll be able to write more: I got an apartment!!! Yay! I'm moving on 3rd day onward.
Finally my own space where I can do what ever without anyone watching me over actively over my shoulder. Might feel lonely though but perhaps I can handle that a bit better than before. Also Bei I feel to be mostly like a distraction, she needs awfully a lot attention and has this twisted humor... basically it means she has to turn everything upside down and spice it with irony. It's fun when you hang around but it's annoying when you live with her. She also has a need for attention when she says something and she can't handle silence very well. If I ignore her, sometimes she gets for the next 20 minutes that I study but if I move a limb she makes some sort of sound to note that she noticed me, wants to get involved and know what I laughed at (she asks what...not always in the mood for sharing), or then after those 20 minutes if I still ignore her she comes to peep behind me and to look at what I'm doing (not like she would necessary see anything without her glasses). But still... things that make me miss Aya because there was space for my feelings. I was able to cry, laugh and think without being noted from every single thing. I haven't said anything to Bei, I have a feeling that she doesn't get it. Same way as I can't really stop poking her which I know to annoy her a lot since she doesn't like to be touched. But I don't know if any other things annoy her... she doesn't really show her feelings at all which is probably related to her self esteem. But sometimes she's really hard to live with. Ok, points for me handling this analytically again and not letting it consume me. Bei can have all the chocolate, candy and treats she wants but that doesn't make it ok for me at all. Also her negativeness is not my worry, her laziness, not my worry. I do my shit and I know I've done it good if she says I cause her to feel lazy and underachiever. There she faces the truth but she's still not believing that she's not any of those things for real even though she tries to hide behind chocolate.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Isn't she too cool to be here? I didn't what she was taking from the shelf since she turned quickly for the scale to weigh it. She took two steps and her head turned to my way. The nice to see you smile came, I had nanosecond to think that she's just being polite, but then the expression exceeded that. She talked to me. She said hi with wide warm, happy to see you smile. I could have melted down to the floor because she's so amazing.
Luckily I didn't melt or freeze, what kind of awkward moment that would have been. Instead I smiled back and crapped two bananas. Hastily turning my eyes down because I didn't know how to proceed. That was a moment when I was happy to be in Finland since small talk would be easily avoided. I wanted to praise her but didn't know how. It was too sudden, I have to think.
I glanced her at the scale and took two steps to be next after her. She had a moment of freezing.
"Now that you came, I forgot the number!" She laughed. I laughed back that had forgotten mine too and looked at it quickly when she took the steps. I weighed mine and went away... smiling like I would have been drugged with something.
That's Diz for you. She's my favorite instructor at uni and I admire her ability to be present and to take in instructions. I was thinking to make some wishes for her just to talk with her... but after that I was thinking to make out a cute card to get that feeling to circulate. I was feeling so good after that the whole Tuesday night. She saw me with the kind of expression I believe she won't give to everyone. You know when you just have that feeling when you know that you want that someone to be your friend. Persons can be empowering or they can suck everything right out of you.
Week later I see her pass me with her bike to the same shop. We meet again, smile, fast hi in Finnish style. This time we won't forget any numbers, not startled like last time. Almost like it was meant to be and almost like we would have found something we were looking for. Like the secret meeting spot next to the green avocados and yellow bananas where you go to give a smile and get a smile.
Last week I went for a walk with Aya and we were talking about power of persons. We have a same goal, to delete all negative influences out which take more than they give. Be selfish for once. Just for us. We have a pack to keep each other safe in these crazy situations we tend to find ourselves from. Finally good news also which probably will make me feel less watched and I'll be able to write more: I got an apartment!!! Yay! I'm moving on 3rd day onward.
Finally my own space where I can do what ever without anyone watching me over actively over my shoulder. Might feel lonely though but perhaps I can handle that a bit better than before. Also Bei I feel to be mostly like a distraction, she needs awfully a lot attention and has this twisted humor... basically it means she has to turn everything upside down and spice it with irony. It's fun when you hang around but it's annoying when you live with her. She also has a need for attention when she says something and she can't handle silence very well. If I ignore her, sometimes she gets for the next 20 minutes that I study but if I move a limb she makes some sort of sound to note that she noticed me, wants to get involved and know what I laughed at (she asks what...not always in the mood for sharing), or then after those 20 minutes if I still ignore her she comes to peep behind me and to look at what I'm doing (not like she would necessary see anything without her glasses). But still... things that make me miss Aya because there was space for my feelings. I was able to cry, laugh and think without being noted from every single thing. I haven't said anything to Bei, I have a feeling that she doesn't get it. Same way as I can't really stop poking her which I know to annoy her a lot since she doesn't like to be touched. But I don't know if any other things annoy her... she doesn't really show her feelings at all which is probably related to her self esteem. But sometimes she's really hard to live with. Ok, points for me handling this analytically again and not letting it consume me. Bei can have all the chocolate, candy and treats she wants but that doesn't make it ok for me at all. Also her negativeness is not my worry, her laziness, not my worry. I do my shit and I know I've done it good if she says I cause her to feel lazy and underachiever. There she faces the truth but she's still not believing that she's not any of those things for real even though she tries to hide behind chocolate.
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