Alien knobs and autumn leaves

He was showing me a wooden stick and said: "I need to scratch you head with this one before putting the electrolyte paste on you head." Great I thought, his Italian accent was telling me that I can't color my hair today like I had planned. There I was trying not to grin when I thought that this doesn't happen everyday that and Italian guy flies to Finland and does some head scratching monkey business for me. Weird morning.

That's my feeling about EEG scan *for those who don't know EEG measures brain's electricity and magnetism actions. I've just started to read psychology and there's a requirement that we have to be participate as study subjects for research for 4 hours in total. This one gave me 2 and half hours... they were studying how brain reacts to visual stimuli. So when he got these knobs inserted on my head with grey jelly, I was supposed to stare at the screen and hit the button every time I saw the stimuli appear. Not your typical morning. I had an Italian monkey, how was yours? :D

***

We were walking up the hill after accidentally meeting at the gym. Her red hair was on messy ponytail and she looked like a rock star she is going to be some day. I had fell in love with her eyeliner already two summers ago but thought then that I'm not that interesting and red the signs from her face I hoped to be wrong. I didn't ask. But there, going up that hill I learned that there's more in common for us than just the love with adventure island and talking deep. 

   "wow, it's so easy to talk to you, I've poured whole my life to you..."

   She certainly did and I'm happy about that. You can never know what people are made off exactly but you'll know the nature of components when they're too amazing to be true. 

Autumn is one of my favorite seasons. It's getting darker and darker but still the colors are amazing. There's this little feeling of some sort of sadness and everything is so calm. Getting the last rays of sunshine and knowing that it's time for candles, rain drop sounds and hot chocolate accompanied with a good book. Who wouldn't love that?  And it's even better to go out and lay on the crunchy leaves staring at the start which have been hiding in the light of the summer nights.

"I'm so stupid... I don't know!" are still two most common answers from Suna to everything. Lately I've learned more new things she hasn't said before and that one thing particular make me worry a lot. It has become clear that she can't remember things that happened to her. When I said that I remember so well the last Christmas when she was there for me. I tried to eat chicken soup after anxiety fill in my stomach and I was devastatingly low. She picked me up from H city and hold my hand the whole way because I was almost hyperventilating. You know that feeling when the bad feeling alone tries to block you airways and it hurts in your stomach and squeezes you chest.  She remembered she had been holding my hand but she didn't remember she was coming from the funeral of her grandpa. She didn't remember we picked up their dog. She didn't remember how or why exactly she was coming to sit next to me when I was having my war against chicken soup. She remembered sitting there and holding me but she couldn't remember what she was feeling. 

   It's not the only memory I've been filling up for her since. The worst thing is that she doesn't understand why is it important for her to remember. She always says she has nothing to say and she's jealous of people who have stories to tell. But still when she finally got one difficult move down on the pole, she asked me, why should I remember it. Everyone had been clapping to her there and that made her whole day, still she's asking me that what does it matter.

   sight. 

   I wish she would get it. All of that make me even more sure she actually does have a mild depression.

So here I am running around in colorful leaves and trying to make people see how wonderful they are. Because they are. Trying not to forget that by myself either which is rather easy since I've seen the change in the staff in Ethnology. I have a feeling that they might want me there for the future... not building expectations too much, but just observing. 

Thank you all. You're amazing to still be here with me after this break that turned out too long...