Cat sized seagull

Thank you girls!!! Your congrats made my day way more better :D
Suna truly made me amazing cake... I mean just look at that! Can it get any better... rainbow cheese cake in mango flavor.

How did we celebrate? Having fun, playing cards together, watching a the new Finnish Biggest Loser in marathon and falling a sleep on her sofa. On weekend we took a ferry to Tallinn for the day and wandered around the old city. Having breakfast on the shore... there came this cat sized seagull. I guess he tried to beg something for him but he had no idea how to look cute or do that poppy dog face so he got nothing from us. I could just stand still in that old town, get lost in my own imagination and see the Middle Ages coming alive before my eyes. How the people would walk around in long blue dresses, with cool decorations on them. The streets would probably smell disgusting due to poor sewers and at some time candle would break out the fire and everything would burn down.

But I would still love it because when it get dark you could still sneak around and do all the cool stuff. You were what you were, you had a place to fill and you didn't need to prove yourself unless you belonged to the upper society. Honestly I would have been the happy one eyed grandma walking with the stick and having a lot of pain or the lady selling the bad apples on the market and laughing nasty when hiding to the woods and I probably would have ended up burned as a witch because I tend to go against all the known rules... ooops. Maybe it's good that I didn't have time to daydream too much...

At mom's my little sister was visiting and we went shopping on Tuesday but nothing particular there... We're not too close in contact with her, I mean I love her and wouldn't change to anyone else but she's officially my stepsister and has never lived at our house. She just visits so there's not the grew up connection. She has her troubles and she calls me if she needs me.

I'm struggling with writing again a little because I feel like I have no time to focus on this. I moved one exam on Monday and after that I can finally breathe more freely. There's still stuff I need to do but it's more correcting my thesis and and... all the little stuff. But nothing that would require extra hours or 16 hour reading... hell, I wish it was Monday night. I could concentrate on me again properly. Start my challenge with full power and get the body I desire :). Even though busy, I'm ok. Now. Too long at mom's is never a good idea. I was so hurt by everything again and smallest things got me crying.

It was Friday night when I fell asleep crying between Suna's arms. I was so mad at mom. She had promised to take me to Suna's when she gets home from her parents. Half past seven mom asked if she could drive me there, I said that I can't get in. Then she said that she wouldn't drive me if she couldn't drive me now. I asked Suna on what'sapp if she would come to pick me up. She did... but I was so mad because I wouldn't have left without the key to Suna's house if mom wouldn't have promised to take me back there. That ability my mom has to lift up her arms and say, not my problem, is the very reason I used to walk 7 km home from the gym at night when I was fifteen. I just felt like she didn't care.
   At Tallinn I also got really mad when mom sent me a message that my step dad wouldn't come to pick us up from the harbor. That's the feeling I got when I asked and didn't ask again. He can pick others but not me. And mom said she was sick. So me and Suna walked to the station and took train back. Then the next morning my step brother was coming to visit with the boys because little sister was there. I called mom that what time were they coming, how and would someone pick me up. The answer was that they are coming by car and will be here soon and then no one is moving anywhere. I had no idea my brother has a car... and thanks mom, I said that I would call dad. I sat on the chair waiting for the porridge she was making and crashed.
   "Why didn't you ask straight that would they come to pick you up?" 
   "Well... mom said no one is moving anywhere, so how should that be interpreted?"
   "That's the thing, you both do interpretations but never ask anything!"
   "...I know... but I don't want to ask because it hurts way more if they say no." She handed me napkins... and I got a nose bleed. I guess that's some new reaction to anxiety, bad feelings and sadness my body makes. It has happened a lot in these circumstances. Crying again to her sleeve.

But I'm ok now. Worrying about everybody else like I should be, looking at the mirror and asking myself am I doing the right thing here. The worst thing ever is to leave someone alone with their head... but it needs to be done because some things need to be dealt alone. There was a two hour break here... I said I was ok but now I'm just sad because that little darling of mine is sad. Everyone around her are living the dream of hers but she's standing in her own way. It's sad.