Gentle blow from the past

I got my wisdom tooth removed from the right side... both. Ouch. Antibiotics, stitches in... soups and all soft food for a week. I got tired on ice cream diet in two days and now I figured to mix protein shakes with smooties. Soo good and fills you up and better than ice cream even though it won't win the real food but I need to get my calories somewhere. We don't want starvation mode or slip back.

Water is running down from my back. It's warm even though her body is almost warmer. 
It has been a while from the last time we were like this, sharing the small space that shower curtain circles away from rest of the toilet. I can smell her shower gel, it's so fresh and her lips are so soft. 
I hold my breath, please, let me stay right here. Safe. Loved. Special. 

For the first time ever I find myself in the situation where I have a chance to throw all my hard work to the trash and I'm not willing to so. This matters, this recovery matters. Even though I struggle still to hit the 1200 minimums everyday and care enough, keep my head straight, I want to do this for me. The right thing that makes me feel good. I'm not exactly sure when this happened that I started to pursuit on this so strongly but I'm on my way. I'm ok.
   I got sick of ice cream and the major binge I was afraid of didn't happen. ½ liter was the max I was able to scoop down at once... I used to be able do four times that easy when I was on binge mode. And I didn't even really want that ice cream. I'm so sick of it now. But it helped with the first days when my jaw didn't open and I felt like anything warm would reopen the wounds.

"There's nothing you could get a hold on!" Suna says to me. Her hands are on my muffin tops. Shes trying it too front.
   "There," I say and squeeze mu love handles, "there's plenty you can hold on."
   "hmpf" She says to me, that's an mean way to end a hug. But I know, she's just worried and wishes that I would be happy with what I have. Just like I wish for her. You might get the muffin tops from her body too, but still I wouldn't change an inch. 

Last weekend with her was good like all the weekends. I just wish I could talk more, get the words out. She has the same problem but still there's things she need to say because writing is the first step but it's also easy to forget it after and play it doesn't exist, that she didn't say a thing. We both bubble up, think in our heads but say nothing - we write it later. So we do communicate but I kinda miss the connection we had before everything went to the direction of lonely emotions finding the place and mixed with all that love and caring it can drain sometimes. I wish that I could find the words in a moment. It's the funniest feeling in the world when you think "my gosh, you're so beautiful", never saying it because you're so in your head and you just kinda secretly stare at her.
   I miss that when everything about me was out in the open and we cried about it together. I guess it's up to me to find that place where I can cry about her... but I would much rather say to her that she's beautiful. That she has been hurting enough, she should stop now before those negative thoughts she doesn't want to feel push her down the cliff. She just doesn't know what to put out in the open, she thinks she doesn't have huge tragedies in her life but here is one, happening to her right now. I have the trait to find people in the misery and somehow get them to right place at the right time, no matter how complicated the situation looks.

"Hi, did I get it right, you're in Finland? How are you, it would be so nice to see you!" For a second I was wondering who that was but few messages later I figured it out. This lady I hadn't seen in almost 3 years. We used to keep sports school together for years and now she's responsible for organizing the sports schools and she seemed to want me back on the field. I'm more than happy to go back. 
   And when I see her I can't help thinking how I managed to get her on my side. She's one of the most professional one's I know in my age group. Successful at everything she does in real life, don't know how to name her. I used to place myself so much under her and feel like the worse person. But that was then... now I'm just happy that she remembers me. Funniest thing is that I wanted to be her friend but then I never really thought that I was a friend to her. It was all putting myself down. 
Tit. She can be Tit. 
   As I drink down my coffee with her, I can't help thinking that how did I let go so easy.