New Life at day 50

It's the week 8 now in my food diary which is double the longest I've able to do so far. Sorry ladies, I've been wanting to write ages but couldn't have managed. I needed to go to my diary this time to figure some things out... and I came up with a good solution to everything I think. I was hugely stressed, I was going down and I felt defeated, like there was nothing I could do. I felt like I was pushing huge concrete block ahead of me in a dark tunnel wanting to everything else but that. It just wouldn't move and I didn't know what's on the other side, more darkness I assumed. No wonder I felt anxious to push it. I wanted to skip the part where I find out... and that part would have been my graduation.

Then something happened, someone asked if I had ever thought to change my major. This someone was the instructor of my minor thesis... and I am changing. I had been thinking about it for a while but didn't know if I wanted. Then I realized that it's the way out. It was the shining door that appeared right next to my concrete block and that's what I've been dealing with. Peeking through that door and thinking was that really so easy? What is this sunlight on my skin, am I imagining it or is there really place like this?
   I realized many things, there was no way that my Archaeology BS would never be good. The possibility for that was destroyed along my ideas, I knew the ideas were challenging but they were interesting to me. The scenario of me writing 2 pages study and crying because it wasn't my study or my idea and didn't want to do a study with 0 new information. I was suppressed by it, constant fight through the frustration and tears, unappreciated feelings and the fear of a fact that the man who decided the grade for my hard work had already made up his mind that it was going to be full of shit. I knew it was stressing, but just now I see how stressing... I've changed person this week. I feel me again, interested about the stuff I'm doing, not scared and defeated even though I still have a pile of work to do because I need to catch up with missing courses now. But this is new to me that people are willing to look through and give extras, find solutions to situations and help. Or if they don't know, ask someone who does and they won't leave you alone to figure out what to do and fight against the windmills.

I'm dealing with that, figuring out that there's actually more working possibilities with "European Ethnology" or "Anthropology" (like it's called in some places). I'm not failing, I'm not doing a crime here by saying that I'll go. I'm starting to get that, slowly but getting there. There's also times when I'm just plain angry about the whole situation. How I was bringing myself down to be number two after school work and that was devastating thing to feel. That you have to give up on yourself because someone says to you, you can't. Don't can't me. I can. I will. My plan is to go to another uni and to do the BS for someone who actually knows something.

Damn right, it's my arm... say to me that I can't and I will punch you.

So new life? To be the student I can be; exited, inspirited and inspiriting, a force that drives forward and has high expectations for herself and meets those expectations. Also I want that ripped body so this three week fooling around kinda focusing on to it has made no difference. Last time I checked I had gained 100g. It's nothing I know, but it's frustrating to work for three weeks and lose 0. I can already see the changes, but I'm bored with the ones that came so fast. It's nice that they have stayed but I want to see more, feel more, do more and be more. I don't feel like I wouldn't be enough, I am, I believe now but I can be so much more than even I know. I want to find those limits, be sore after workout and feel good - yesterday was the first time in weeks when I felt good after workout. Good because I gave myself credit for what I had done and didn't pull myself backwards to the point where I pick on things I didn't do or could have done better. I also decided already to continue the food diary over those 12 weeks which was my goal. I'm planning to make 12 week blocks, because new beginnings are so empowering. Lately I've been writing everything down but I haven't checked the content... which made me also think failure. But hey, it's life. It's down there and 7 weeks in is great, I've never kept up with it so long, so let's be happy about that. You know that the reason is there why the scale showed +0.1kg.

I found my fighting will. It's back, I'm back and I'm going to kick ass, just watch me.