Here is the happy chipper one http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/5580623676
But what is not there is my conversations with Ai. She made a point yesterday that my thoughts are going in to the wrong direction when I said I feel like I ate kinda a lot. 2300 calories and I burned about 1500 with exercise. Do the math with BMR and I;m still on minus so that's not too much.
I feel like an enormous elephant here in the middle of Southern Chinese who look like little Barbie dolls in my eyes. They are so small that I compare even if I don't want to. I remember last time when it was even harder, now there's at least days when I feel like I am becoming something and that I am something. Most of the time I can look at the mirror and actually be happy but for some reason I'm screwing with my food and life... I don't want to mess up my metabolism again. I don't want to be that desperate again that I break down in tears when I see myself from the mirror.
This is a funny country. You get lost and you get found. You have friends but you can't talk with them because you don't have a common language. And I can't stand "let's play together friendships" I still feel the strain from the spring and from what happened with Suna.
More coffee going down with my morning coffee, the sound of the rain makes me calmer than I was yesterday before I went to bed. I felt like crying, stressed about everything and I know it's mostly because I am doing a big thing out of things. Ai says, it's going to be ok.
"why I didn't realize I was turning my back to my friends?" I ask. There's people I haven't been keeping contact because Suna... it was always about Suna. She graved the attention and she was jealous if I had other people to go to. I remember when Zhu called me crying that her boyfriend was missing and that she had just come from the ER, but he wasn't there. I felt how Suna was still jealous of it that I was going. I can't remember what she said exactly but it was something like "so now you have to go early". YES, FUCK. My FRIEND is in TROUBLE and PANICKING. I also remember the way she looked at me when I left early on some Sundays to meet with J... my friend who's the reason I didn't really loose it last time when I was here. I saw it but how come I just accepted that. How come, I didn't realize that I was actually cutting connections to people because Suna needed me. Needed. Was dependent. Tried to tie me down. Narcissist... or depressed. I don't know anymore.
I wasn't blind, I tried to say to her... that was exhausting. She wasn't seeing or hearing me at all. It was always about her even though at first she made it seem like it was about me.
Morning porridge eaten. I try to remember where I put my umbrella. I should go... not to the Chinese class. Lost my interest while back. Too much too fast, I can follow but it rather frustrates when they assume you remember it after one time and you jut repeat it as long as you can remember it even when you sleep. It sucks. I'm from Finland, we have the best education system in the world and here I've learned to know why.
I have shades from the past two years that still color my presence. Those colors make it hard to associate with people. Those color are the one's that surfaced from the despair and meaninglessness I experienced. They connected to the root of the tree I've tried so hard to make grow faster and bloom in a different way. They made the leaves fall, again I'm fighting against the feelings "I'm not good enough" and "I can't". That brings me frustration which brings me to the cycle of not really getting anywhere. That shows up as not getting anything done, proving again I can't, making me more frustrated with myself, not getting anything done and... it also comes as guilt. The guilt of doing something when I could be doing something else. The worry that I decided wrong (because I can't), waist my time doing the wrong thing, losing focus, getting anxious and finding myself unable to do it. Then I say sometimes is good to do something else, sometimes... how often is sometimes? Getting guilty of not doing and the merry go around again.
A while back I said to Ai that maybe the problem is that I don't know how to do this as myself. Maybe the problem is that I don't know how I do things because when I managed to study hard it was my ed-persona who drove me to do those things. Maybe I don't know how to drive myself in doing those things, maybe I after all, I don't know who I am or what I like. I feel like I found the new weightless part of Wonderland. Who am I? Why do I do What I do? What do I want from life? Just asking. I am still in a happy place because I can think and I have freedom.
I feel like an enormous elephant here in the middle of Southern Chinese who look like little Barbie dolls in my eyes. They are so small that I compare even if I don't want to. I remember last time when it was even harder, now there's at least days when I feel like I am becoming something and that I am something. Most of the time I can look at the mirror and actually be happy but for some reason I'm screwing with my food and life... I don't want to mess up my metabolism again. I don't want to be that desperate again that I break down in tears when I see myself from the mirror.
This is a funny country. You get lost and you get found. You have friends but you can't talk with them because you don't have a common language. And I can't stand "let's play together friendships" I still feel the strain from the spring and from what happened with Suna.
More coffee going down with my morning coffee, the sound of the rain makes me calmer than I was yesterday before I went to bed. I felt like crying, stressed about everything and I know it's mostly because I am doing a big thing out of things. Ai says, it's going to be ok.
"why I didn't realize I was turning my back to my friends?" I ask. There's people I haven't been keeping contact because Suna... it was always about Suna. She graved the attention and she was jealous if I had other people to go to. I remember when Zhu called me crying that her boyfriend was missing and that she had just come from the ER, but he wasn't there. I felt how Suna was still jealous of it that I was going. I can't remember what she said exactly but it was something like "so now you have to go early". YES, FUCK. My FRIEND is in TROUBLE and PANICKING. I also remember the way she looked at me when I left early on some Sundays to meet with J... my friend who's the reason I didn't really loose it last time when I was here. I saw it but how come I just accepted that. How come, I didn't realize that I was actually cutting connections to people because Suna needed me. Needed. Was dependent. Tried to tie me down. Narcissist... or depressed. I don't know anymore.
I wasn't blind, I tried to say to her... that was exhausting. She wasn't seeing or hearing me at all. It was always about her even though at first she made it seem like it was about me.
Morning porridge eaten. I try to remember where I put my umbrella. I should go... not to the Chinese class. Lost my interest while back. Too much too fast, I can follow but it rather frustrates when they assume you remember it after one time and you jut repeat it as long as you can remember it even when you sleep. It sucks. I'm from Finland, we have the best education system in the world and here I've learned to know why.
I have shades from the past two years that still color my presence. Those colors make it hard to associate with people. Those color are the one's that surfaced from the despair and meaninglessness I experienced. They connected to the root of the tree I've tried so hard to make grow faster and bloom in a different way. They made the leaves fall, again I'm fighting against the feelings "I'm not good enough" and "I can't". That brings me frustration which brings me to the cycle of not really getting anywhere. That shows up as not getting anything done, proving again I can't, making me more frustrated with myself, not getting anything done and... it also comes as guilt. The guilt of doing something when I could be doing something else. The worry that I decided wrong (because I can't), waist my time doing the wrong thing, losing focus, getting anxious and finding myself unable to do it. Then I say sometimes is good to do something else, sometimes... how often is sometimes? Getting guilty of not doing and the merry go around again.
A while back I said to Ai that maybe the problem is that I don't know how to do this as myself. Maybe the problem is that I don't know how I do things because when I managed to study hard it was my ed-persona who drove me to do those things. Maybe I don't know how to drive myself in doing those things, maybe I after all, I don't know who I am or what I like. I feel like I found the new weightless part of Wonderland. Who am I? Why do I do What I do? What do I want from life? Just asking. I am still in a happy place because I can think and I have freedom.
2 kommenttia:
eating 2,300 calories normally is not a lot. eating 2,300 calories when doing that amount of exercise? definitely not a lot.
we have these Zumba events. and some of them are 2-3 hours long, and you tend to burn lots (1,500-2,000+ calories in one go). i consider those days as "eat whatever the hell you want because even if you eat nothing, you'll be up on the scale because of your muscles hoarding so much bloody water." it's like the days pre-period.
you are not an elephant. you are taller than them. of course you'd look different than they do. and honestly, your eyes lie a lot. also, just as a side note, when it comes to the sizing issue... short people will fit into small sizes even if they are at a normal weight. just saying.
Suna is... i really don't think she notices how much of a "black hole" she could be. if that makes any sense.
you have to do what's best for you. i'm glad that you broke it off with her. because you come first. and in that relationship, you were never truly first. i don't think so anyway. it was becoming increasingly more about her over time. until it was always about her.
and that's not okay. that's not a really toxic relationship to have for someone. from how i see it, she manipulated you emotionally (in my opinion). that is not okay.
i just have to say i love how you write. it's like something of a story to me.
those feelings are life. you are good enough. you can. every human being can. and everyone is good enough. why don't you fit the exception? you do. but everything in your head tells you that you don't. and it has no right. no justification. no argument. and truth is, people learn from example. i try to tell myself that change starts with me. if i treat myself like i would treat anyone else, people will learn. they see. they do.
you are a thousand things. i think this is a huge crisis. the "who am i?" thoughts.
the things that personify us... it's interesting isn't it? unnerving.
the only way i know how to combat this is to: stop thinking about it. i think it's one of those philosophy type things.
the more you think about it, the more questions arise. and you're stuck in a loop without an answer. because there isn't one.
-Sam Lupin
comment reply:
heart attacks, you say? aye. i must confess i thought of the medical one first.
"Because I have been missing you SO bad!!" and i've missed you too. you are an angel. and someone that makes me smile without even trying.
you inspire me to do better.
"Seamus and Lee should study," i think Seamus and Lee should study DURING the semester, not a few weeks before the exam. bad Seamus and Lee.
"It's really your love for all of this that got me to love this... and if I can figure out a way to get enough money to go to med school, I will." i think this is easily one of the best things i've ever heard in my life.
just wanted to let you know. now i can never ever delete this post no matter how awful it is disorganised because this gem of a comment exists.
-Sam Lupin
Lähetä kommentti